When I grow up, I want to be....

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. To be honest (I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but) I haven't ever really known, and haven't ever really made an effort to find out. I am fairly certain that I have a good idea of WHO I am, but more and more WHAT I am doing is effecting me, and not in a good way.

I have always felt like there was a happy place for me, but I have also always felt like it was somewhere over the rainbow. Not current, not near, no where to be seen at all, but a far off dream. I'm starting to notice more and more that I want that life. I want that happy place to be mine, every day.

I feel like there has been movement lately, and the recent shifts may actually be stepping stones leading to a greater awakening, and ultimately- happiness. As I write that, I remember a sign that a protester held on the corner that quoted Gandhi: "There is no path to peace, peace is the path." That really speaks to me. I am starting to realize how true it is that this moment is really the only one that I've got. That makes me want to do whatever it takes. The only problem I see with that, is that while I'm on the peaceful path I need to have some sort of income. I want to DO something that I enjoy. DO something to make a living that I don't dread. I want to spend my time being creative, efficient, and worthwhile; not counting down till I leave work and go home and not only living my life on the weekends. That's sad, and it really is a waste.

I just realized in the last day or so, that right now, I have a great opportunity. Due to recent circumstances, I will soon have a very low overhead cost. That will not be a permanent thing, because eventually I want my own space and to take back the responsibilities of "paying the bills." However, I feel light weight, and free, as if in this moment, I have possibilities. I have options. I can change what I'm doing, and although I never even realized it that I felt stuck, now I feel unstuck.

I feel that often times people load themselves (I surely have) with bills, debt, and financial responsibility to the point that they don't have any other option but to work work work and hey, more work. As soon as I had my baby, and went back to work, I realized that the ratio of "real life" to the time I spent working was imbalanced and depressing. Thinking about doing that for the rest of my life and missing so much time with my child was devastating. How do people do it? Well, I don't know how they do it, but I know why. Because we get ourselves stuck.

So now, somehow.... the clouds have parted and the twinkling stars are shining down on me. I can afford to change my profession (I don't even want to call it MY PROFESSION). I can take the risk of doing something different. So... now the question is what? What do I want to be?

I think that I'll have to think about it. I don't think I ever thought I would have the chance, so I never thought about it.

I do have fear that I will go through this effort and still not like what I'm doing, and I have fear that like most things I do that I will be gung-ho in the beginning, but then lose my enthusiasm, but I fear more that I'll stay put, and I honestly do believe that would be worse.

From my Shambhala daily card: When doubt arises, contemplate warriorship.
Doubt takes many forms. One is fear that you'll hurt yourself by going forward. Another form of doubt is feeling that you've misunderstood your life and that you're constantly making a fundamental mistake. Being without doubt has nothing to do with accepting the validity of a philosophy or concept. Absence of doubt comes from trusting in the heart, trusting yourself. Being without doubt means that you connect with yourself, that you experience mind and body being synchronized together. When mind and body are synchronized, then you have no doubt.

Sounds like a peaceful path to me.

Here goes.... what a lovely yellow brick road, let's see where it leads.

And here's a shout out to my true friends who have helped me see that there is passion and possibilities, and that it is attainable. : )