what goes in my mouth

i publicly announced on facebook that i have started weight watchers.

i'm not embarrassed about paying attention to what i put in my mouth (also my body), but i am embarrassed to call it a diet. maybe not embarrassed, but uncomfortable.

the good thing is, conveniently, the way i'm eating now is just exactly how i want to be eating, just now there's some structure to it.

i like this. i'm talking about food, and it's great.

ever since i was pregnant with gwendolyn and trying to ward off morning sickness, i've been fighting off the habit of eating all day long. i still have snacks (thank goodness), but now only 2, and i'm just more aware in general of the things that go in my mouth.

at first i felt a little bit hungry between meals and snacks, but i realize that WHAT i am eating is lasting longer and i'm feeling better. funny how this stuff comes back so quick, but now that i'm in such a different place, i'm ready for it.

i want this. my body feels happy. :D


seriously, amazing.

intentions

i will be honest, i'm a little bit uncomfortable even posting this. this very short list is not what i imagined my letter of intentions to be. i also can't help but feel that i've left off important items. maybe my entire list of inentions will slowly unveil in parts.

so anyhow, please send me good juju, and positive, supportive energy and thoughts.


the list:

i will spend more time this year working on my health. i will figure out a schedule that involves physical activity. i will eat food that nourishes my body and keep me energetic and alive. i will feel better, look better, have more energy, and feel better about my body.

i will work towards being more comfortable and long term self-sufficient financially. i don't feel like i need more money, although i could certainly find use for it, but i do want to be more organized with what i've got.

i will make a list of the outstanding tasks in my life. i will create a system to prioritize, set up a game plan, and keep track of the things i need to take care of, and then do them. now and in the future.



i don't like having to admit that i haven't got all my shit together. i'm even a little embarrassed by it. i don't feel like a failure, because there are many things that i do feel that i do right, but there are some things tugging me in different directions right now.

i can do this stuff, it will just take energy and discipline.

i have broken promises to myself... i can find or make time to do the things that are truly important.

here it comes... honestly

this post was originally dated 1/15/11 1:40 PM.

to whom it may concern (also read: anyone who would call them self a friend):

i have some friends who give me very good ideas. the only problem is that they have to tell me about 3 or more times before i actually hear them.

through the grape-vine i've heard about another friends' letter of intention and how she is continuing to work towards each of the things she set out to do, and how much she has accomplished. she originally just asked for her friends to give her positive thoughts. simple enough. but when she bravely told us what she had planned, we remembered to send good juju her way instead of questioning or judging.

second hand, i've seen her business grow with her strength and dedication. i admire this woman and also my friend for knowing to pass it on to me. they always know just what to say. : ) (thx!)

so... without further ado, (yes i just looked up the spelling of ado) i will be setting my intentions on display. feel free to read, but please remember when you do, to send me positive thoughts and good vibes.

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Okay, here's where i admit that i've sat down to write this intention letter at least three times, and have thought about it more times than that. yet, there is no letter. : )

let me just say, that it's harder than i expected, and it's in the works.

believe me, this was a step in itself. i'll take what i can get.

the first time

today, for the first time, i realized that i've got multiple blog entries in draft form in multiple blogs.

i love it.


except for the feeling that i've got too much to do.

these are a few of my favorite things

the simple things in life, when i slow down enough to pay attention to them, are what make me feel the very most alive.

more often than not, i'm strongly moved by the sunshine. the sun just shining however which way it feels like shining, be it rays shooting through the clouds, glitter sparkling on the water, filtered through the trees, windy and moving the green grass like ocean waves, or everything being that hazy golden orange color when setting, sparking my desire for a sweater.

why those things? i can't explain, but it's a feeling that is overwhelming (in a good way) and undeniable.

when these simple things capture my attention, i become frozen, and stop in awe. sometimes even mid-thought, and definitely mid-sentence. anyone who has driven in a car with me could attest to that.

why so strong? why so memorable?

good question.

i thought about this for a while when the question was first asked of me. the next day i reported that the reason these things moved me so much, is because they aren't dramatic. the trees, just standing next to each other, enjoying the daylight, not getting all pissed because another tree is in it's bubble. "hey jerk! keep your branches off of me," or "move it! my root was there first." maybe in their own ways they work out problems like those, i'm sure they're legitimate, but there isn't conflict about it. they aren't getting all up in arms (ha-ha), they aren't cussing each other out. they're just being there. they are growing, they are living and breathing, they are naturally doing the processes that they are meant to do. their leaves bloom and die over and over with the seasons and just do their thing. i like that.

the other day, while driving downtown, the weather was very windy. i noticed (and pointed out) this one guy in particular who had on a grey suit that was a little bit loose that was flapping around like crazy in the wind as he got off his bike and locked it to a pole. i think the reason that wind moves me so much is that it's so big. so mighty and uncontrollable and wild. i love that. that man's suit was all over the place. there was nothing he could do about it. he wasn't even trying, which was nice, because it just looked cool to see his pants and jacket so animated.

these things that so easily could be missed, i feel so thankful and special to witness them.

well well well....

so here i am again, with a feeling like i've got something to say.

i was just re-reading some of my past entries, the very last one in particular, where i was motivated to do something different. i still feel like there's something i should be doing, but still, i've yet to know what that something is. i don't necessarily need drastic change, but do feel like i'm wasting away without doing anything particularly meaningful.

i was thinkng last night that maybe i'd take some photographs i've done and try to paint them bigger.

i was also thinking last night about practicing my cello. i didn't though. i was feeling a little down, and decided to go to sleep to stop thinking so much.

most of my thoughts were pleasant, actually they all were, but remembering such wonderful memories and then knowing it will be so long for more of them to be made, was pretty upsetting. so i bowed out gracefully, and went to sleep.

someone special to me is now very far away. i have no doubt that everything will be fine, i'm just having some weird emotions trying to figure out how to live my life like "normal" when it's not normal.

it only takes one line of a song to remind me of the heaviness.

When I grow up, I want to be....

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. To be honest (I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but) I haven't ever really known, and haven't ever really made an effort to find out. I am fairly certain that I have a good idea of WHO I am, but more and more WHAT I am doing is effecting me, and not in a good way.

I have always felt like there was a happy place for me, but I have also always felt like it was somewhere over the rainbow. Not current, not near, no where to be seen at all, but a far off dream. I'm starting to notice more and more that I want that life. I want that happy place to be mine, every day.

I feel like there has been movement lately, and the recent shifts may actually be stepping stones leading to a greater awakening, and ultimately- happiness. As I write that, I remember a sign that a protester held on the corner that quoted Gandhi: "There is no path to peace, peace is the path." That really speaks to me. I am starting to realize how true it is that this moment is really the only one that I've got. That makes me want to do whatever it takes. The only problem I see with that, is that while I'm on the peaceful path I need to have some sort of income. I want to DO something that I enjoy. DO something to make a living that I don't dread. I want to spend my time being creative, efficient, and worthwhile; not counting down till I leave work and go home and not only living my life on the weekends. That's sad, and it really is a waste.

I just realized in the last day or so, that right now, I have a great opportunity. Due to recent circumstances, I will soon have a very low overhead cost. That will not be a permanent thing, because eventually I want my own space and to take back the responsibilities of "paying the bills." However, I feel light weight, and free, as if in this moment, I have possibilities. I have options. I can change what I'm doing, and although I never even realized it that I felt stuck, now I feel unstuck.

I feel that often times people load themselves (I surely have) with bills, debt, and financial responsibility to the point that they don't have any other option but to work work work and hey, more work. As soon as I had my baby, and went back to work, I realized that the ratio of "real life" to the time I spent working was imbalanced and depressing. Thinking about doing that for the rest of my life and missing so much time with my child was devastating. How do people do it? Well, I don't know how they do it, but I know why. Because we get ourselves stuck.

So now, somehow.... the clouds have parted and the twinkling stars are shining down on me. I can afford to change my profession (I don't even want to call it MY PROFESSION). I can take the risk of doing something different. So... now the question is what? What do I want to be?

I think that I'll have to think about it. I don't think I ever thought I would have the chance, so I never thought about it.

I do have fear that I will go through this effort and still not like what I'm doing, and I have fear that like most things I do that I will be gung-ho in the beginning, but then lose my enthusiasm, but I fear more that I'll stay put, and I honestly do believe that would be worse.

From my Shambhala daily card: When doubt arises, contemplate warriorship.
Doubt takes many forms. One is fear that you'll hurt yourself by going forward. Another form of doubt is feeling that you've misunderstood your life and that you're constantly making a fundamental mistake. Being without doubt has nothing to do with accepting the validity of a philosophy or concept. Absence of doubt comes from trusting in the heart, trusting yourself. Being without doubt means that you connect with yourself, that you experience mind and body being synchronized together. When mind and body are synchronized, then you have no doubt.

Sounds like a peaceful path to me.

Here goes.... what a lovely yellow brick road, let's see where it leads.

And here's a shout out to my true friends who have helped me see that there is passion and possibilities, and that it is attainable. : )