funk

i'm in one.

i feel really bad saying this, but my kid is annoying the SHIT out of me. should i really feel so guilty for wanting her to leave me alone? i do... and i do.

there's stuff going on at work. it sucks. i don't even know exactly how i feel about it all, but i almost feel sick.

also... there's something i recently found out, that as much as i think i don't care, it's still bugging me. i'm not mad or sad, just in a funk. i kind of wish i never found out. now i'm thinking about the past, which is totally pointless and destructive. nothing really has changed other than my own knowledge. i know i have to let it go, i really really want to, but i'm just still processing, i guess.

i think it's really just a combination of things that i'm having a hard time shaking.

this stuff at work as been going on for about a month now, and we're all on edge and waiting for the ax to drop. there's anticipation, dread, and staleness. thankfully i have work, so i haven't been too excruciatingly bored, but it's slow and i kind of feel like we're in purgatory. never a fun place to visit, let alone every day. i guess i hadn't realized how much or why it was weighing so heavy. supposedly there's something happening tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

i know for one thing, i'm really ready for this year to be over with. i'm so sick of waiting. i'd wait as long as i have to, it's worth it, but while he's gone, part of my heart is just paused. i'm still living my life, i'm not "waiting" to live my life for him, but i'm waiting for us to start "our" life. it's really hard to love someone so much and to be so far and miss so many things every single day. really- not a day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him. :( most of the time i can handle it, especially knowing that so much time has passed and there's only so little left, but also definitely weighs on me. him too i'm sure. i try not to think too much about how his life is over there, because although he's soldiering through it, i know it's miserable. he acts tough, but i know he wants to be home too. soon... counting down the days now.

we're going camping this weekend. i'm on edge right now, so please, for the love of god, please, let me have some patience. i LOVE camping, i want to have fun, but i know i need to chill out right now. deeeeeep breaths- starting now.