hindsight is a bitch

Okay, so wow.... almost exactly a year ago I posted my last blog.    http://theresnoavailablenamesleft.blogspot.com/2011/10/plateau-my-ass-let-them-eat-cake.html

I find it extremely interesting (and motivating, thankfully) to see where I was at a year ago. 

Basically that post was an "I DID IT" post, but also it said that I wanted to keep it up and live my life in a healthy and active way.  

So here's the update.   I didn't.  

I have gained almost 15 lbs.... wow.... It's been a year of complete lack of exercise and awful food choices.  I didn't feel crappy immediately though, and I've only started feeling chubby and slow for the last few months. 

That aspect of my life is not how I wanted it to be, but it's not all bad though.  Here's what I've got out of this situation:

1st - One of my deepest fears when I was working my ass off to lose weight, was that the second  I stopped exercising and (Oh god I hate this word) technically "dieting" that I would get fat again.  The truth is, that having to work to LOSE weight sucks.  It does.  I see the importance now of maintaining because RE-LOSING weight you've already lost sucks even more than trying to lose it the first time.  It did take a long while to lose my awesome muscles, and even longer to start putting weight back on.    Now hold on there, don't judge... I realize that this could sound like a way to be planned lazy, but really what it means to me, is that once I get to the size I want, I can maintain it WAY easier than I've feared.  It's really the losing part that is so hard.   That does mean however, that I will need to work my ass off (again) to get to my goal size.  All the way there this time.

2nd - My lifestyle makes all the difference...  Who I spend time with, what I spend time doing is ultimately going to make or break it.   

For almost the entire year of 2011 my boyfriend was deployed to Iraq.  I needed to keep busy, and I sure did!  That was when I was the very most active with working out, and I'd tried Weight Watchers for a few months with great success. I lived with just my daughter and cooked all my own food. I'd lost weight, gained a ton of muscle and looked so freaking good.  Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier having the love of my life home.  However, with any relationship, people get into life patterns.  Our pattern has tended to be more sitting around the garage smoking (which I quit last month) or watching an episode or two of a sitcom after the kid has gone to bed.  Our current lifestyle includes (sadly) very little activity.   We have also not had much success with meal planning ahead of time.  Inevitalbly, we fall trap, like a lot of people do, to the "what are we going to cook for dinner" rut, which ends with us cooking/eating whatever is convenient and fast.  Convenient and fast typically equals shit food that does nothing good for our bodies.  (Think macaroni and cheese or going out to get fast food.)

I copied this quote the other day because I liked it and didn't want to forget it, however, what I was just writing, fits with it.  

"Easy is comfortable. It's what we are familiar with, used to and already capable of. Easy is what I did for 35 years. Easy resulted in me being unhappy with my body, my weight, myself and my life. Easy wasn't fun or memorable for any good reasons. "

Wonderful quote from A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures at http://www.sherylyvette.com/

I've read quite a few of her blogs, but that particular quote fits what's on my mind right now.   Not only does "easy" refer to what kind of meals I eat, but also to the amount of activity in my life.  Man... It really is so easy to be lazy.  It's really easy to sleep in and not get out of bed when it's cold and dark.   I'll need to remember that quote the next time my alarm goes off at 5am to work out.   Then I can weigh what easy is actually worth.

No segue, but, I was just in the kitchen at work, and I went back there, knowing there was tons of crap food on the counter waiting for me, planning to grab a handful of raw almonds and get the hell out of there.... then there was spinach dip... damn.  And guacamole... damn.   My first thought was "What the hell was I thinking, trying to start Weight Watchers again right now?!?"   By "right now" I mean, the Halloween holiday and the coming holidays that involve eating, like Thanksgiving (especially) and Christmas.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?    But then.... a realization....  there will ALWAYS be food around me.  Aways.  Around every holiday.   

What is one to do?  

I started Weight Watchers on Tuesday and I'm pretty sure (didn't log yesterday because I failed miserably and stuffed myself), that I have used all my flex points for the week already.   Bleh...  how embarrassing to admit. 

The positive spin, and the cold hard truth.... at least I am actually paying attention now.   Just think of all the days that have gone by that I've not payed any attention what so ever to what I'm eating or how much.  What a harsh reality to see that when I think I'm not eating "too bad," that I am going so so so far overboard.   Standing there in the kitchen eating one last tortilla chip with salsa, I also remembered how many times in the recent past I've eaten so much that my tummy feels sickeningly full and I need to lay around on the couch to recover from it.  Wow...   just wow. 

I'm not feeling guity right now.  I'm a little bit embarrassed, but mostly I am thankful that I've come back around to caring enough about my body and life that I want to change what I'm doing - which so obviously has not been working. 

I don't need people waving a shaming finger "No no" at me when I reach for a piece of bread with spinach dip.   I might bite that finger instead.

What I  really need is people sharing their healthy and active lifestyles and delicious fresh REAL food recipies and experiments. 
I need people showing me examples of excitment and courage, committment, and ass-kicking work outs. 
I need friends who want to spend time with me moving and doing fun out door activities-- with our children who also need these things in their lives.  
I need my boyfriend to plan meals with me, and grocery shop for the food we want to be eating, so that at the end of the day we can have a meal that will give our bodies fuel and nutrition to keep going. I also need a lifestyle with him that will keep us alive and healthy and feeling good about ourselves for a long ass time. 

I also need acceptance for myself for where I'm at right now, and enough self love to keep going.