plateau my ass, let them eat cake!

so...  i haven't been working out!  : O    !!!!  i know.  it's awful.  i still feel muscle-y and my super skinny clothes are fitting me better than ever.  i'm eating mostly healthy (aside from the birthday cake), but i haven't been going to the gym.   i feel guilty and lazy, and i have this underlying fear that i'm going to get fat again.  : (

this is partly an excuse, but it is partly legitimate as a real defense, and that is that my back has been hurting super duper bad.  i started going to the chiropractor's office about a month ago.  i am starting to feel better- i noticed that when i was shaving in the shower the other day, that my back hurt only a little bit, but it didn't feel like it was breaking in half... so that's progress.  i didn't WANT to stop going to the gym when i started going to the chiropractor, but aside from the pain that definitely was limiting me, my schedule has been turned upside down.  having a "strict" schedule for going to the gym, which turned into a routine, was a big part of my success in going.   so now that just about all the nights i had planned for the gym are taken up by chiro appointments, i have to change something... and soon!!!!

i wanted to mention a good thing, which is going to be my motivation to get my shrunken ass back in there, and that is that i am OFFICIALLY wearing a size 10 pant and really starting to need medium shirts.  that really is amazing.   to put it in perspective- when i was in high school, i weighed about 155-160 and wore 9/10 pants and small/medium shirts.  since high school, pretty quickly after- since i got a desk job and an office ass, i've worn, pretty solidly, a 14 pant and large shirts.  ... this has been the last 10 years.... all of my adult life.  after i gave birth to gwendolyn i was wearing a 16 pant, not for too long, but 14's weren't cutting it, and i even bought a couple of XL shirts.  wow.  ... so after training for the half marathon i got back into 14's and even bought some 12's, woo hoo!  THAT was exciting.   So for the past couple years, i've been a steady 12-14.   anyhow... boring!!!! but this is leading up to the good thing, that is not only am i solidly in a ten, for reals, not tight at all.  even the green pants that kate (with the hot ass) gave me, fit perfectly!  woo effing hoo!  my new jeans... size 8.  the dress for gabrielle's wedding and also the christmas party- 8.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?????  i hardly can for some reason.   and the medium shirts, even though it doesn't seem like a big deal, i TRULY have worn large forever... foreeeeeeever, and i'm not just barely squeezing into mediums, it's that my larges are TOO big, i HAVE to buy mediums.    okay, so i know it looks like i'm bragging, but what i'm really doing is providing PROOF that living like this works... (except for the chocolate cake... well, chocolate cake sometimes is okay.) 

eating veggies, not being a lazy ass, who would have thought?   not just a little bit of weight, 30 pounds.... 3 sizes down.... THIS is going to have to be my motivation for going back. 

i never wanted to "just" loose weight.  i wanted to loose weight, but also look tone and athletic.  not just skinny with flab, but toned- muscles, clothes fitting nicely, less belly fat to shift around when i sit down.  all that.   AND to feel good.  to have energy, to not feel ill because all i ate for the day was sugar.   i've been doing it.  the truth is, i can do it more. i can do it better.  i don't want to give up- this IS how i want to live my life.  getting off track makes it hard as hell to get back on.

here's what i'm going to do.  i'm making it public so i can't change my mind.

1. go back to the gym-  mondays, wednesdays, and thursdays are OUT, so i now have to go tuesday with leia, friday after work, saturday morning with leia, and sunday if i can muster it.... or maybe just a fun outdoor activity, like a walk to the park.   i can handle that.  it's not any more or less than i was already doing, i just have to have a plan!  otherwise saturday morning comes around and all i want to do is laze around and drink coffee.... i'll plan that for sunday- can't cut out lazing around drinking coffee!!!! this has to be a plan i can live with!
2. get another water bottle (universe- you can help with this).  my other one finally broke after i dropped it too many times, but it REALLY helped with getting enough water, since it was about 30 ounces and i only had to drink 3 of them in a day.   in the meantime, just drink some damn water out of a cup... 10 million cups, but still.
3. finish off that chocolate cake.... and not get another one.  ; )  easy enough. 
4. think about meals for the week and prep.  although, ideally, i'd like to have it all written out and planned, maybe on a calendar.  i'm visual, so having it sort of set out for meals on certain days would ease my mind.  what would be really awsome though, is coming home from work and knowing already exactly what i would cook and knowing that i already had everything i needed to cook it.  the hassle of finally getting home, taking off my work clothes and high heels, getting gwen into something to occupy here, and then having to use my head to figure out what to make for dinner- and then taking the time to pull it all together-  that's when we end up having cereal for dinner.  ; )   so having a plan is a good start!  also grocery shopping in advance so we have things for certain recipes, and then prepping some stuff ahead of time.

okay, that's it for now.  like i recently told someone, i'm not totally off the wagon, i'm just being dragged behind it right now, holding on for dear life.   ; ) 

i just don't want to get all new nice fitting clothes, get rid of my bigger ones, then gain some weight back and have nothing to wear again.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN....  i like my body too much now.  i don't EVER EVER EVER want to be that size again.  when i get knocked up, i'll buy some maternity clothes, but i'm not going to let myself get to the point i was before....i just can't.   my body, my life, and my happiness is worth it. 

: )  cheers friends!

changes

i would say that i am adaptable. i tend to think i learn quickly.  i do ask a lot of questions though. 

i can come through things and be okay.  by things, i mean when situations change, dynamics thrown off, order of events altered, and physical changes of people, places, and things.  

i have finally noticed that although i haven't any doubt about making it through these things, i do have apprehension and anxiety about not knowing where all this "shit" is going to land (after hitting the fan.) 

i don't even necessarily believe these (or most other) changes are bad.  i ALWAYS end up in a better place when there's an upheaval.  it's the discomfort of the phoenix's fire that throws me off.  i guess it just seems that there's a place i go in my head that is unique from all the others.  it's a different thought process, a shift in what i'm used to.    

i'm not afraid of failing.  i know i can do this.  

i'm not afraid of opinions.  i have genuine intent, and a pure heart.  

i'm can keep my calm..... with lots of deep breaths and positive thoughts.    (mental image:  do NOT be the upside duck paddling chaotically). 

it's just change.  not sure why it freaks me out............................ but it does. 

i can accept each moment for what it's worth.   there's just a lot going on and it overwhelms me sometimes. 

 

relax

interesting how, when things get going rough, that we can, so quickly and so automatically, switch into one of our modes.  i realize i have "survival mode", "transistion mode", "defensive mode", "stressed the fuck out mode" (also known as "overwhelmed and shutting down mode"), which quickly morphs into the "I'm so fucking over it mode."   i wouldn't say that any of these ways of operation are typical or normal for me, but sometimes they just get switched on.  although we do need some way of handling difficult situations, what i'm noticing is how fast and how easy i can switch into these alternate methods of handling life. 

relax.

there was more, but i deleted it.  i'm not sure that i'm ready for this shit in my head to be made solid. 

plateau

although i was warned, i am definitely one for learning my own lessons. i have officially hit a plateau in my weight loss/muscle gain/health adventure. i could call it that... but really, i went from eating great and working out so-so, to working out great and eating so-so, so it's not a huge surprise that i have stopped losing weight. i look pretty darn good still since i'm becoming more tone, but i'm just not done yet!! i want to plateau out and have a decently easy time staying the same size once i actually GET to my goal weight... not yet. grrrr.

the sad truth is that eating out just isn't really possible if i really want to get to my goal weight- AND stay there. once in a while should be fine, but it's going to have to be the exception. not only does it cost too much to eat lunch out every day, the food is nasty ass shit... and by "nasty ass shit" i mean it taste really good but it's a zillion points/calories. so really- although it tastes pretty good, i'm actually more disgusted by how damn EASY it is to be fat. our society, our culture, our EVERY DAMN DAY LIVING is disgusting! to lose weight or to not become obese (again) i just can't live like that. that's all there is to it.

so now, truthfully, how possible is it for me to "bow out" of that lifestyle? the choice in my head is easy, but the logistics are damn near impossible. when all of the options around me are crazy fattening (not to mention chemical-y and processed and just completely unhealthy in general). i'm realizing that if i want to eat healthy- for the most part, i just have to make it myself. there really aren't many (if any) options where i can just run out grab some food. i think that's where the "culture" part comes in.

for example, a few weeks ago i was really feeling like i needed some red meat. good old beef- sometimes i crave it, and i typically listen to that sort of craving. anyhow, i go to johnny rockets, i think? thank goodness the menus are starting to have the calories listed, but woah... woah... that's all i can say. to put it in perspective, i should be eating around 1200-1400 calories a day. i am trying to lose weight, so maybe a typical healthy person at a healthy weight could/would eat more. anyhow, that point is, that just a regular ol meal there would consist of a burger, fries, and a drink- maybe even a milkshake. the burger alone.... almost 1500 calories. that's JUST lunch, not even the whole lunch. how easy is it to go to a restaurant and eat your entire day's calories in one meal? WAY TOO EASY. then you eat another meal for dinner- i find that to be DISGUSTING. i'm not pretending to be high and mighty- no way! i've fallen for the same thing that everyone else has fallen for, and i think that may just be ignorance and laziness. so now i know, and i'm not entirely lazy, so how do i just stop eating that stuff?

people eat socially. schedules permit "fast" food. how does one participate in life without the option of eating out? i realize i'm asking more questions than answering, but that's the point- i don't have the answers. i'm just waking up to this sick reality that it's WAY easier to be fat, stay fat, get fat, teach our children to be fat, and die fat. and before we die we are uncomfortable physically, our clothes fit awfully, we are tormented mentally, and we judge, criticize, and guilt ourselves constantly. now is that any way to live? i've decided now, that NO, it is not a good way to live. i don't like the easy options for "normal" living.

i don't believe so much in new years resolutions, but at the beginning of this year i started a vegetable crusade. i was literally feeling ill, and i honestly believe it was due to the lack of nutrients my body was receiving. someone else was doing all of the cooking in my household, and as yummy as it tasted, it was not what i needed to live. hardly any veggies at all, if any, they were cooked with TONS (and i mean TONS!!!) of oil and butter. now i'm no nutritionist, but i know that the ratios of meat, carbs, and veggies should probably not lean towards mostly carbs, way too much meat, and no veggies. From the USDA's "My Plate" dietary guidelines:

Foods to Increase
● Make half your plate fruits and vegetables.
● Make at least half your grains whole grains.
● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk.




good to know! also, with weight watchers i learned that i only really need a tiny serving of meat and carbs, and then i just use mostly veggies to fill up! i use fruits mostly as snacks or with my breakfast. : ) even with pasta i like mostly veggies in the sauce over it. i guess the point of this paragraph is to say that i know HOW to eat more healthy, and typically i enjoy it. i've really been excited about talking to friends about cooking and trying recipes from magazines. my weakness is simply eating out. the weakness is simple to recognize, but it's not simple to rectify.

so today for lunch, i went to the grocery store. i am actually quite pleased with the selection i ended up with. i have some good plans for all the fruits and veggies i got.

here are the things i will focus on to be successful in my crusade for a healthy and beautiful body:

1- meal plan. have ideas for what i'll be cooking through out the week and ensure i have the necessary ingredients.
2- stick to bringing lunch to work. it's not hard for me to stick to the good stuff if i don't have other options- i just can't say how many times i've ditched my good stuff for 1500 calorie hamburgers/fries/shakes or cheesy mexican (i drool just thinking about that).
that makes me realize i need to do this-
3- think about foods that i really like to eat and figure out how to make them myself in a more nutritious way. i can still have cheesy mexican- but now it will be more veggies and less cheese. this can work!
4- ultimately i realize that simply PAYING ATTENTION to what i'm eating makes a big difference. i don't want to HAVE to be on weight watchers or counting calories for the rest of my life, to do that i'll need a good repertoire of food that i know i can eat guiltlessly. i like where this is going!
5- limit my social excursions, since there's not much getting around the nasty ass shit once i'm out and about.
6- if i must eat out, i'll pay close attention to what i order. i don't have to automatically give up just because i've walked into the doors of a restaurant.

as always- recognize and celebrate progress. progress excites us and motivates us to continue.

keep on keeping on!
xoxo krista

oh- almost forgot. the whole reason i started this post was to say that when i went grocery shopping today i was not only pleased with my selections, but PROUD. my lunch was delicious! here's a picture. i didn't think to take a picture until i was almost done, so here's what was left of it. mixed greens & spinach, bell pepper, tomato, crab meat, cucumber, salt/pepper, and honey mustard dressing.

happy ending : )

thanks to the gang of kids in my apartment complex, i was able to track down baby kitty. a little boy had scooped her up and brought her home. she is now officially adopted and being fed. him and his mom let me visit with her once i explained why i was concerned. she had no visible fleas and her tail looks to be healing. she was still super skinny (it's only been 2 days), but she was obviously happy to have a home. : ) this little boy had wanted a cat for a while (his mom explained) and when he turned up home with this one, momma said yes. must have been meant to be. he looked so proud. i wonder if he even realizes that he may have saved her life? what a hero. so here she is- Mini. xoxo

how?

guilt is such a heavy, hurtful emotion to live with.

one could look at this tiny moment in time as such a small insignificant thing, but for some reason it's haunting me.

i know there is nothing i can do to "save" this little kitty (i lost that chance when i turned my back to her). if i see her, i'll swoop her up so fast and make up for the mistake i made.

but what do you do when you can't fix a mistake? how do you not torture yourself over and over again for it?

i notice myself peeking in every bush making "come here kitty kitty" noises the entire walk from my car to my house, to the garbage, even looking out the front door- just in case.

if i can't change the past, as much as it breaks my heart, how can i live with the present?

little white baby kitty

little white baby kitty: since you're no where to be found today, i'll have to live with only the brief moments you were in my life.

you are only a baby. no matter what fears i had, when i recognized that you needed help, nothing should have stopped me. for this i'm sorry. you're a cat, you'll never see this... i am just so full of sadness right now for letting you down.

i did what i could, know that. know that i pet you so you would know that humans are nice and so you could feel kindness and love. know that i gave you flea drops so that you could be someone's inside pet and so you would stop suffering from being covered in fleas.

i should have fed you. i realize that now. i was afraid if i showed you how much i cared that you would adopt me and my other cats would freak out. i don't know if your tail would heal or if it would cost money- and i don't have extra to spare.

i hesitated for all of those reasons, and now you are gone. i was heartbroken when i turned you down, and now, knowing that the vet clinic would take you and care for you, and i missed that chance for you, i'm even more sad.

i'm so sorry. you deserve more in life than what you have been shown so far. i wish i could have shown you what a real home is like.

please, somehow, know that i truly wish you the best. at the very least, better than what you've got right now. i wish you safety, comfort, love, a home, and a satisfied belly.

Goodbye little white baby kitty.