how?

guilt is such a heavy, hurtful emotion to live with.

one could look at this tiny moment in time as such a small insignificant thing, but for some reason it's haunting me.

i know there is nothing i can do to "save" this little kitty (i lost that chance when i turned my back to her). if i see her, i'll swoop her up so fast and make up for the mistake i made.

but what do you do when you can't fix a mistake? how do you not torture yourself over and over again for it?

i notice myself peeking in every bush making "come here kitty kitty" noises the entire walk from my car to my house, to the garbage, even looking out the front door- just in case.

if i can't change the past, as much as it breaks my heart, how can i live with the present?

little white baby kitty

little white baby kitty: since you're no where to be found today, i'll have to live with only the brief moments you were in my life.

you are only a baby. no matter what fears i had, when i recognized that you needed help, nothing should have stopped me. for this i'm sorry. you're a cat, you'll never see this... i am just so full of sadness right now for letting you down.

i did what i could, know that. know that i pet you so you would know that humans are nice and so you could feel kindness and love. know that i gave you flea drops so that you could be someone's inside pet and so you would stop suffering from being covered in fleas.

i should have fed you. i realize that now. i was afraid if i showed you how much i cared that you would adopt me and my other cats would freak out. i don't know if your tail would heal or if it would cost money- and i don't have extra to spare.

i hesitated for all of those reasons, and now you are gone. i was heartbroken when i turned you down, and now, knowing that the vet clinic would take you and care for you, and i missed that chance for you, i'm even more sad.

i'm so sorry. you deserve more in life than what you have been shown so far. i wish i could have shown you what a real home is like.

please, somehow, know that i truly wish you the best. at the very least, better than what you've got right now. i wish you safety, comfort, love, a home, and a satisfied belly.

Goodbye little white baby kitty.

feeling motivated again

the best part about this newly realized motivation, is that it came from re-reading my old posts about the half marathon. there was so much passion and excitement. i'm in such better shape now, and running would really do my body good.

i'm excited about mental issues too. i re-read my post about intentions and realized that i have made some SUBSTANTIAL progress. I have paid attention to my health and my body and i look and feel great. i go work out (45 minutes of cardio and then strength training) 1-4 times a week. for a while there it was only 1 or 2 times a week, and have just got back into going more regularly.

i needed this re-energizing though, because i've sort of hit a plateau. i stopped counting points and i'm eating based on my body's cravings. i love veggies and fruit, so most of the time i'm fine. i can tell when i need cheese, meat, or carbs. the only bad part about that is, i can't fight off sugar cravings very easily... if there is cake, i eat it. also, since i was on vacation, i was eating MORE than necessary, and going out to eat just immediately soars the calories.

Anyhow, the point is that i have paid attention to my body and seeing the results has been CRAZY exciting! I have lost about 25 lbs. i haven't weighed 170 in YEARS! YEARS and years! my clothes have just been falling off of me, and with the weights and strength training, i don't just look thin, i look tone, which was my main goal of getting into shape. : D

i'm reading a book about this gap that most people have when it comes to wanting to do something and actually doing it. the main points are to 1st- know what you want. to dream big and set goals. then 2nd- to continually remind yourself and stay conscious of your dreams. lastly- to recognize and celebrate progress. we get so down for wanting to do something and not doing it, but to realize that in each moment we have choices, and each little teeny tiny choice towards accomplishing our goals is success. that's good to remember.

i'm on the verge now of REALLY having good health. i've lost weight, i love to cook healthy food, i'm getting used to this routine of working out. i think i may just commit to another half marathon. having the commitment and a set schedule would help to get past this plateau. i think.... but i may just be out of my mind!!!!!!!!

we shall see. until next time.

Goal for Today

Today I will drink enough water.

Enough= 3 of my Lands' End bottles, which is 34 ounces each.

change always gets me

Today is Day One of covering reception. In fact, I can hardly even say "covering reception," since it is now my responsibility. I guess I'm a receptionist again.

I'm not entirely sure why this situation is setting me off balance, but it is, and although I keep saying I'm fine, I feel out of whack. There's so many reasons why I'm uncomfortable right now. Of course there is the obvious, of doing something new and not knowing what to expect, but then there's also the fact that although it's a different time and different place, to some extent, it's not new and I DO know what to expect.

The first welcome I received at my new desk was someone else's dirty ass coffee cup, water cup, and water bottle. (They could have taken care of that stuff themselves before they left), and then someone asking where the flowers were for the vase. They get delivered... they aren't here yet... not much I can do about it. Want me to go outside and pick some??

As much as I like human interaction, and as good as I'd SAY I am with customer service, my first morning as receptionist, it dawned on me that maybe I don't like dealing with people as much as I'd previously thought. This position is so superficial. People just walk by, in and out, and spout out general small talk as they go about their business, not necessarily even caring who is sitting here. I wonder how lonely it gets to be over time, even with the constant traffic.

This is my blog, so i could bitch about all the reasons I'm feeling crabby, but I know that really won't help the situation.

I'm going to chalk the main reason up to change in general. Something new, something unknown, a situation where I need to be open and accepting. I already said I'd do this, so there's no real reason to fuss. I can adapt fast, but I am still taking the time to acknowledge that I'm having a hard time. I already showed Alex, in not so many words, how excited I am, so I really have to check myself. I don't want to be Miss Bad Attitude sitting up here. GET IT TOGETHER, SISTER!

Time will tell how this will all play out. Too bad I have such a hard time with patience.

Until next time. xoxo

funk

i'm in one.

i feel really bad saying this, but my kid is annoying the SHIT out of me. should i really feel so guilty for wanting her to leave me alone? i do... and i do.

there's stuff going on at work. it sucks. i don't even know exactly how i feel about it all, but i almost feel sick.

also... there's something i recently found out, that as much as i think i don't care, it's still bugging me. i'm not mad or sad, just in a funk. i kind of wish i never found out. now i'm thinking about the past, which is totally pointless and destructive. nothing really has changed other than my own knowledge. i know i have to let it go, i really really want to, but i'm just still processing, i guess.

i think it's really just a combination of things that i'm having a hard time shaking.

this stuff at work as been going on for about a month now, and we're all on edge and waiting for the ax to drop. there's anticipation, dread, and staleness. thankfully i have work, so i haven't been too excruciatingly bored, but it's slow and i kind of feel like we're in purgatory. never a fun place to visit, let alone every day. i guess i hadn't realized how much or why it was weighing so heavy. supposedly there's something happening tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

i know for one thing, i'm really ready for this year to be over with. i'm so sick of waiting. i'd wait as long as i have to, it's worth it, but while he's gone, part of my heart is just paused. i'm still living my life, i'm not "waiting" to live my life for him, but i'm waiting for us to start "our" life. it's really hard to love someone so much and to be so far and miss so many things every single day. really- not a day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him. :( most of the time i can handle it, especially knowing that so much time has passed and there's only so little left, but also definitely weighs on me. him too i'm sure. i try not to think too much about how his life is over there, because although he's soldiering through it, i know it's miserable. he acts tough, but i know he wants to be home too. soon... counting down the days now.

we're going camping this weekend. i'm on edge right now, so please, for the love of god, please, let me have some patience. i LOVE camping, i want to have fun, but i know i need to chill out right now. deeeeeep breaths- starting now.

don't you KNOW you're pissing me off?!?!?

something to remember when one is feeling that the world is against them, creating roadblocks at every possible turn, is that everyone is in their own world, and that most of the time, even though it feels that everything should be understood and logical, everyone has their own ideas of the situation.

sometimes part of why i get so frustrated with things, is that i have expectations of the "background info" or "set up" of a situation to be understood and accepted universally. turns out that since everyone is in their own world, when something turns sour, it really encompasses more than that specific moment in time. what happened last week sets me up for how i will feel or react to something that happens this week.

for example, i've asked a few companies to give me price quotes on their office supplies, so that we can switch companies. the problem is, now that they know this, they all keep calling me. i feel like i've already said to give me space and time and let me figure it out, but they aren't. they have no idea that i'm covering someone elses job and don't really have time to deal with overhead crap, or that they are bugging the shit out of me that they call every week to "check in," and they especially aren't thinking about how they are not the only company doing it. the pressure is mounting, and i want to just tell them what i think. Somehow today, I stepped back for just a second and realized that they really don't know my world at all, that it's probably more reasonable for me to take each call individually and explain, calmly, that i just need more time.

anyhow, without turning this in to a rant, the point i was making, is that although to me the situation is bothersome, to them the situation is completely and totally different and it isn't even necessarily practical for me to expect them to see it from my point of view. imagine that.

there's been a few situations lately where i've belived it to be completely reasonable that i'm feeling angry and frustrated, but really, those emotions are only valid from MY point of view, so to expect that someone would understand why i was so pissed is a little silly. (shhhh, don't tell.)

there really is no solution here at the moment, really just observation. observation of my own tendencies to feel like i have a right to be upset, and observation of what it is that other people do that upsets me, and how my expectations and assumptions add to the mess.

i can accept this fault, but i don't like it.

there IS a fight club.