so... i haven't been working out! : O !!!! i know. it's awful. i still feel muscle-y and my super skinny clothes are fitting me better than ever. i'm eating mostly healthy (aside from the birthday cake), but i haven't been going to the gym. i feel guilty and lazy, and i have this underlying fear that i'm going to get fat again. : (
this is partly an excuse, but it is partly legitimate as a real defense, and that is that my back has been hurting super duper bad. i started going to the chiropractor's office about a month ago. i am starting to feel better- i noticed that when i was shaving in the shower the other day, that my back hurt only a little bit, but it didn't feel like it was breaking in half... so that's progress. i didn't WANT to stop going to the gym when i started going to the chiropractor, but aside from the pain that definitely was limiting me, my schedule has been turned upside down. having a "strict" schedule for going to the gym, which turned into a routine, was a big part of my success in going. so now that just about all the nights i had planned for the gym are taken up by chiro appointments, i have to change something... and soon!!!!
i wanted to mention a good thing, which is going to be my motivation to get my shrunken ass back in there, and that is that i am OFFICIALLY wearing a size 10 pant and really starting to need medium shirts. that really is amazing. to put it in perspective- when i was in high school, i weighed about 155-160 and wore 9/10 pants and small/medium shirts. since high school, pretty quickly after- since i got a desk job and an office ass, i've worn, pretty solidly, a 14 pant and large shirts. ... this has been the last 10 years.... all of my adult life. after i gave birth to gwendolyn i was wearing a 16 pant, not for too long, but 14's weren't cutting it, and i even bought a couple of XL shirts. wow. ... so after training for the half marathon i got back into 14's and even bought some 12's, woo hoo! THAT was exciting. So for the past couple years, i've been a steady 12-14. anyhow... boring!!!! but this is leading up to the good thing, that is not only am i solidly in a ten, for reals, not tight at all. even the green pants that kate (with the hot ass) gave me, fit perfectly! woo effing hoo! my new jeans... size 8. the dress for gabrielle's wedding and also the christmas party- 8. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT????? i hardly can for some reason. and the medium shirts, even though it doesn't seem like a big deal, i TRULY have worn large forever... foreeeeeeever, and i'm not just barely squeezing into mediums, it's that my larges are TOO big, i HAVE to buy mediums. okay, so i know it looks like i'm bragging, but what i'm really doing is providing PROOF that living like this works... (except for the chocolate cake... well, chocolate cake sometimes is okay.)
eating veggies, not being a lazy ass, who would have thought? not just a little bit of weight, 30 pounds.... 3 sizes down.... THIS is going to have to be my motivation for going back.
i never wanted to "just" loose weight. i wanted to loose weight, but also look tone and athletic. not just skinny with flab, but toned- muscles, clothes fitting nicely, less belly fat to shift around when i sit down. all that. AND to feel good. to have energy, to not feel ill because all i ate for the day was sugar. i've been doing it. the truth is, i can do it more. i can do it better. i don't want to give up- this IS how i want to live my life. getting off track makes it hard as hell to get back on.
here's what i'm going to do. i'm making it public so i can't change my mind.
1. go back to the gym- mondays, wednesdays, and thursdays are OUT, so i now have to go tuesday with leia, friday after work, saturday morning with leia, and sunday if i can muster it.... or maybe just a fun outdoor activity, like a walk to the park. i can handle that. it's not any more or less than i was already doing, i just have to have a plan! otherwise saturday morning comes around and all i want to do is laze around and drink coffee.... i'll plan that for sunday- can't cut out lazing around drinking coffee!!!! this has to be a plan i can live with!
2. get another water bottle (universe- you can help with this). my other one finally broke after i dropped it too many times, but it REALLY helped with getting enough water, since it was about 30 ounces and i only had to drink 3 of them in a day. in the meantime, just drink some damn water out of a cup... 10 million cups, but still.
3. finish off that chocolate cake.... and not get another one. ; ) easy enough.
4. think about meals for the week and prep. although, ideally, i'd like to have it all written out and planned, maybe on a calendar. i'm visual, so having it sort of set out for meals on certain days would ease my mind. what would be really awsome though, is coming home from work and knowing already exactly what i would cook and knowing that i already had everything i needed to cook it. the hassle of finally getting home, taking off my work clothes and high heels, getting gwen into something to occupy here, and then having to use my head to figure out what to make for dinner- and then taking the time to pull it all together- that's when we end up having cereal for dinner. ; ) so having a plan is a good start! also grocery shopping in advance so we have things for certain recipes, and then prepping some stuff ahead of time.
okay, that's it for now. like i recently told someone, i'm not totally off the wagon, i'm just being dragged behind it right now, holding on for dear life. ; )
i just don't want to get all new nice fitting clothes, get rid of my bigger ones, then gain some weight back and have nothing to wear again. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.... i like my body too much now. i don't EVER EVER EVER want to be that size again. when i get knocked up, i'll buy some maternity clothes, but i'm not going to let myself get to the point i was before....i just can't. my body, my life, and my happiness is worth it.
: ) cheers friends!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
changes
i would say that i am adaptable. i tend to think i learn quickly. i do ask a lot of questions though.
i can come through things and be okay. by things, i mean when situations change, dynamics thrown off, order of events altered, and physical changes of people, places, and things.
i have finally noticed that although i haven't any doubt about making it through these things, i do have apprehension and anxiety about not knowing where all this "shit" is going to land (after hitting the fan.)
i don't even necessarily believe these (or most other) changes are bad. i ALWAYS end up in a better place when there's an upheaval. it's the discomfort of the phoenix's fire that throws me off. i guess it just seems that there's a place i go in my head that is unique from all the others. it's a different thought process, a shift in what i'm used to.
i'm not afraid of failing. i know i can do this.
i'm not afraid of opinions. i have genuine intent, and a pure heart.
i'm can keep my calm..... with lots of deep breaths and positive thoughts. (mental image: do NOT be the upside duck paddling chaotically).
it's just change. not sure why it freaks me out............................ but it does.
i can accept each moment for what it's worth. there's just a lot going on and it overwhelms me sometimes.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
relax
interesting how, when things get going rough, that we can, so quickly and so automatically, switch into one of our modes. i realize i have "survival mode", "transistion mode", "defensive mode", "stressed the fuck out mode" (also known as "overwhelmed and shutting down mode"), which quickly morphs into the "I'm so fucking over it mode." i wouldn't say that any of these ways of operation are typical or normal for me, but sometimes they just get switched on. although we do need some way of handling difficult situations, what i'm noticing is how fast and how easy i can switch into these alternate methods of handling life.
relax.
there was more, but i deleted it. i'm not sure that i'm ready for this shit in my head to be made solid.
relax.
there was more, but i deleted it. i'm not sure that i'm ready for this shit in my head to be made solid.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
plateau
although i was warned, i am definitely one for learning my own lessons. i have officially hit a plateau in my weight loss/muscle gain/health adventure. i could call it that... but really, i went from eating great and working out so-so, to working out great and eating so-so, so it's not a huge surprise that i have stopped losing weight. i look pretty darn good still since i'm becoming more tone, but i'm just not done yet!! i want to plateau out and have a decently easy time staying the same size once i actually GET to my goal weight... not yet. grrrr.
the sad truth is that eating out just isn't really possible if i really want to get to my goal weight- AND stay there. once in a while should be fine, but it's going to have to be the exception. not only does it cost too much to eat lunch out every day, the food is nasty ass shit... and by "nasty ass shit" i mean it taste really good but it's a zillion points/calories. so really- although it tastes pretty good, i'm actually more disgusted by how damn EASY it is to be fat. our society, our culture, our EVERY DAMN DAY LIVING is disgusting! to lose weight or to not become obese (again) i just can't live like that. that's all there is to it.
so now, truthfully, how possible is it for me to "bow out" of that lifestyle? the choice in my head is easy, but the logistics are damn near impossible. when all of the options around me are crazy fattening (not to mention chemical-y and processed and just completely unhealthy in general). i'm realizing that if i want to eat healthy- for the most part, i just have to make it myself. there really aren't many (if any) options where i can just run out grab some food. i think that's where the "culture" part comes in.
for example, a few weeks ago i was really feeling like i needed some red meat. good old beef- sometimes i crave it, and i typically listen to that sort of craving. anyhow, i go to johnny rockets, i think? thank goodness the menus are starting to have the calories listed, but woah... woah... that's all i can say. to put it in perspective, i should be eating around 1200-1400 calories a day. i am trying to lose weight, so maybe a typical healthy person at a healthy weight could/would eat more. anyhow, that point is, that just a regular ol meal there would consist of a burger, fries, and a drink- maybe even a milkshake. the burger alone.... almost 1500 calories. that's JUST lunch, not even the whole lunch. how easy is it to go to a restaurant and eat your entire day's calories in one meal? WAY TOO EASY. then you eat another meal for dinner- i find that to be DISGUSTING. i'm not pretending to be high and mighty- no way! i've fallen for the same thing that everyone else has fallen for, and i think that may just be ignorance and laziness. so now i know, and i'm not entirely lazy, so how do i just stop eating that stuff?
people eat socially. schedules permit "fast" food. how does one participate in life without the option of eating out? i realize i'm asking more questions than answering, but that's the point- i don't have the answers. i'm just waking up to this sick reality that it's WAY easier to be fat, stay fat, get fat, teach our children to be fat, and die fat. and before we die we are uncomfortable physically, our clothes fit awfully, we are tormented mentally, and we judge, criticize, and guilt ourselves constantly. now is that any way to live? i've decided now, that NO, it is not a good way to live. i don't like the easy options for "normal" living.
i don't believe so much in new years resolutions, but at the beginning of this year i started a vegetable crusade. i was literally feeling ill, and i honestly believe it was due to the lack of nutrients my body was receiving. someone else was doing all of the cooking in my household, and as yummy as it tasted, it was not what i needed to live. hardly any veggies at all, if any, they were cooked with TONS (and i mean TONS!!!) of oil and butter. now i'm no nutritionist, but i know that the ratios of meat, carbs, and veggies should probably not lean towards mostly carbs, way too much meat, and no veggies. From the USDA's "My Plate" dietary guidelines:
Foods to Increase
● Make half your plate fruits and vegetables.
● Make at least half your grains whole grains.
● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk.
good to know! also, with weight watchers i learned that i only really need a tiny serving of meat and carbs, and then i just use mostly veggies to fill up! i use fruits mostly as snacks or with my breakfast. : ) even with pasta i like mostly veggies in the sauce over it. i guess the point of this paragraph is to say that i know HOW to eat more healthy, and typically i enjoy it. i've really been excited about talking to friends about cooking and trying recipes from magazines. my weakness is simply eating out. the weakness is simple to recognize, but it's not simple to rectify.
so today for lunch, i went to the grocery store. i am actually quite pleased with the selection i ended up with. i have some good plans for all the fruits and veggies i got.
here are the things i will focus on to be successful in my crusade for a healthy and beautiful body:
1- meal plan. have ideas for what i'll be cooking through out the week and ensure i have the necessary ingredients.
2- stick to bringing lunch to work. it's not hard for me to stick to the good stuff if i don't have other options- i just can't say how many times i've ditched my good stuff for 1500 calorie hamburgers/fries/shakes or cheesy mexican (i drool just thinking about that).
that makes me realize i need to do this-
3- think about foods that i really like to eat and figure out how to make them myself in a more nutritious way. i can still have cheesy mexican- but now it will be more veggies and less cheese. this can work!
4- ultimately i realize that simply PAYING ATTENTION to what i'm eating makes a big difference. i don't want to HAVE to be on weight watchers or counting calories for the rest of my life, to do that i'll need a good repertoire of food that i know i can eat guiltlessly. i like where this is going!
5- limit my social excursions, since there's not much getting around the nasty ass shit once i'm out and about.
6- if i must eat out, i'll pay close attention to what i order. i don't have to automatically give up just because i've walked into the doors of a restaurant.
as always- recognize and celebrate progress. progress excites us and motivates us to continue.
keep on keeping on!
xoxo krista
oh- almost forgot. the whole reason i started this post was to say that when i went grocery shopping today i was not only pleased with my selections, but PROUD. my lunch was delicious! here's a picture. i didn't think to take a picture until i was almost done, so here's what was left of it. mixed greens & spinach, bell pepper, tomato, crab meat, cucumber, salt/pepper, and honey mustard dressing.
the sad truth is that eating out just isn't really possible if i really want to get to my goal weight- AND stay there. once in a while should be fine, but it's going to have to be the exception. not only does it cost too much to eat lunch out every day, the food is nasty ass shit... and by "nasty ass shit" i mean it taste really good but it's a zillion points/calories. so really- although it tastes pretty good, i'm actually more disgusted by how damn EASY it is to be fat. our society, our culture, our EVERY DAMN DAY LIVING is disgusting! to lose weight or to not become obese (again) i just can't live like that. that's all there is to it.
so now, truthfully, how possible is it for me to "bow out" of that lifestyle? the choice in my head is easy, but the logistics are damn near impossible. when all of the options around me are crazy fattening (not to mention chemical-y and processed and just completely unhealthy in general). i'm realizing that if i want to eat healthy- for the most part, i just have to make it myself. there really aren't many (if any) options where i can just run out grab some food. i think that's where the "culture" part comes in.
for example, a few weeks ago i was really feeling like i needed some red meat. good old beef- sometimes i crave it, and i typically listen to that sort of craving. anyhow, i go to johnny rockets, i think? thank goodness the menus are starting to have the calories listed, but woah... woah... that's all i can say. to put it in perspective, i should be eating around 1200-1400 calories a day. i am trying to lose weight, so maybe a typical healthy person at a healthy weight could/would eat more. anyhow, that point is, that just a regular ol meal there would consist of a burger, fries, and a drink- maybe even a milkshake. the burger alone.... almost 1500 calories. that's JUST lunch, not even the whole lunch. how easy is it to go to a restaurant and eat your entire day's calories in one meal? WAY TOO EASY. then you eat another meal for dinner- i find that to be DISGUSTING. i'm not pretending to be high and mighty- no way! i've fallen for the same thing that everyone else has fallen for, and i think that may just be ignorance and laziness. so now i know, and i'm not entirely lazy, so how do i just stop eating that stuff?
people eat socially. schedules permit "fast" food. how does one participate in life without the option of eating out? i realize i'm asking more questions than answering, but that's the point- i don't have the answers. i'm just waking up to this sick reality that it's WAY easier to be fat, stay fat, get fat, teach our children to be fat, and die fat. and before we die we are uncomfortable physically, our clothes fit awfully, we are tormented mentally, and we judge, criticize, and guilt ourselves constantly. now is that any way to live? i've decided now, that NO, it is not a good way to live. i don't like the easy options for "normal" living.
i don't believe so much in new years resolutions, but at the beginning of this year i started a vegetable crusade. i was literally feeling ill, and i honestly believe it was due to the lack of nutrients my body was receiving. someone else was doing all of the cooking in my household, and as yummy as it tasted, it was not what i needed to live. hardly any veggies at all, if any, they were cooked with TONS (and i mean TONS!!!) of oil and butter. now i'm no nutritionist, but i know that the ratios of meat, carbs, and veggies should probably not lean towards mostly carbs, way too much meat, and no veggies. From the USDA's "My Plate" dietary guidelines:
Foods to Increase
● Make half your plate fruits and vegetables.
● Make at least half your grains whole grains.
● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk.
good to know! also, with weight watchers i learned that i only really need a tiny serving of meat and carbs, and then i just use mostly veggies to fill up! i use fruits mostly as snacks or with my breakfast. : ) even with pasta i like mostly veggies in the sauce over it. i guess the point of this paragraph is to say that i know HOW to eat more healthy, and typically i enjoy it. i've really been excited about talking to friends about cooking and trying recipes from magazines. my weakness is simply eating out. the weakness is simple to recognize, but it's not simple to rectify.
so today for lunch, i went to the grocery store. i am actually quite pleased with the selection i ended up with. i have some good plans for all the fruits and veggies i got.
here are the things i will focus on to be successful in my crusade for a healthy and beautiful body:
1- meal plan. have ideas for what i'll be cooking through out the week and ensure i have the necessary ingredients.
2- stick to bringing lunch to work. it's not hard for me to stick to the good stuff if i don't have other options- i just can't say how many times i've ditched my good stuff for 1500 calorie hamburgers/fries/shakes or cheesy mexican (i drool just thinking about that).
that makes me realize i need to do this-
3- think about foods that i really like to eat and figure out how to make them myself in a more nutritious way. i can still have cheesy mexican- but now it will be more veggies and less cheese. this can work!
4- ultimately i realize that simply PAYING ATTENTION to what i'm eating makes a big difference. i don't want to HAVE to be on weight watchers or counting calories for the rest of my life, to do that i'll need a good repertoire of food that i know i can eat guiltlessly. i like where this is going!
5- limit my social excursions, since there's not much getting around the nasty ass shit once i'm out and about.
6- if i must eat out, i'll pay close attention to what i order. i don't have to automatically give up just because i've walked into the doors of a restaurant.
as always- recognize and celebrate progress. progress excites us and motivates us to continue.
keep on keeping on!
xoxo krista
oh- almost forgot. the whole reason i started this post was to say that when i went grocery shopping today i was not only pleased with my selections, but PROUD. my lunch was delicious! here's a picture. i didn't think to take a picture until i was almost done, so here's what was left of it. mixed greens & spinach, bell pepper, tomato, crab meat, cucumber, salt/pepper, and honey mustard dressing.
happy ending : )
thanks to the gang of kids in my apartment complex, i was able to track down baby kitty. a little boy had scooped her up and brought her home. she is now officially adopted and being fed. him and his mom let me visit with her once i explained why i was concerned. she had no visible fleas and her tail looks to be healing. she was still super skinny (it's only been 2 days), but she was obviously happy to have a home. : ) this little boy had wanted a cat for a while (his mom explained) and when he turned up home with this one, momma said yes. must have been meant to be. he looked so proud. i wonder if he even realizes that he may have saved her life? what a hero. so here she is- Mini. xoxo
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
how?
guilt is such a heavy, hurtful emotion to live with.
one could look at this tiny moment in time as such a small insignificant thing, but for some reason it's haunting me.
i know there is nothing i can do to "save" this little kitty (i lost that chance when i turned my back to her). if i see her, i'll swoop her up so fast and make up for the mistake i made.
but what do you do when you can't fix a mistake? how do you not torture yourself over and over again for it?
i notice myself peeking in every bush making "come here kitty kitty" noises the entire walk from my car to my house, to the garbage, even looking out the front door- just in case.
if i can't change the past, as much as it breaks my heart, how can i live with the present?
one could look at this tiny moment in time as such a small insignificant thing, but for some reason it's haunting me.
i know there is nothing i can do to "save" this little kitty (i lost that chance when i turned my back to her). if i see her, i'll swoop her up so fast and make up for the mistake i made.
but what do you do when you can't fix a mistake? how do you not torture yourself over and over again for it?
i notice myself peeking in every bush making "come here kitty kitty" noises the entire walk from my car to my house, to the garbage, even looking out the front door- just in case.
if i can't change the past, as much as it breaks my heart, how can i live with the present?
Monday, August 8, 2011
little white baby kitty
little white baby kitty: since you're no where to be found today, i'll have to live with only the brief moments you were in my life.
you are only a baby. no matter what fears i had, when i recognized that you needed help, nothing should have stopped me. for this i'm sorry. you're a cat, you'll never see this... i am just so full of sadness right now for letting you down.
i did what i could, know that. know that i pet you so you would know that humans are nice and so you could feel kindness and love. know that i gave you flea drops so that you could be someone's inside pet and so you would stop suffering from being covered in fleas.
i should have fed you. i realize that now. i was afraid if i showed you how much i cared that you would adopt me and my other cats would freak out. i don't know if your tail would heal or if it would cost money- and i don't have extra to spare.
i hesitated for all of those reasons, and now you are gone. i was heartbroken when i turned you down, and now, knowing that the vet clinic would take you and care for you, and i missed that chance for you, i'm even more sad.
i'm so sorry. you deserve more in life than what you have been shown so far. i wish i could have shown you what a real home is like.
please, somehow, know that i truly wish you the best. at the very least, better than what you've got right now. i wish you safety, comfort, love, a home, and a satisfied belly.
Goodbye little white baby kitty.
you are only a baby. no matter what fears i had, when i recognized that you needed help, nothing should have stopped me. for this i'm sorry. you're a cat, you'll never see this... i am just so full of sadness right now for letting you down.
i did what i could, know that. know that i pet you so you would know that humans are nice and so you could feel kindness and love. know that i gave you flea drops so that you could be someone's inside pet and so you would stop suffering from being covered in fleas.
i should have fed you. i realize that now. i was afraid if i showed you how much i cared that you would adopt me and my other cats would freak out. i don't know if your tail would heal or if it would cost money- and i don't have extra to spare.
i hesitated for all of those reasons, and now you are gone. i was heartbroken when i turned you down, and now, knowing that the vet clinic would take you and care for you, and i missed that chance for you, i'm even more sad.
i'm so sorry. you deserve more in life than what you have been shown so far. i wish i could have shown you what a real home is like.
please, somehow, know that i truly wish you the best. at the very least, better than what you've got right now. i wish you safety, comfort, love, a home, and a satisfied belly.
Goodbye little white baby kitty.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
feeling motivated again
the best part about this newly realized motivation, is that it came from re-reading my old posts about the half marathon. there was so much passion and excitement. i'm in such better shape now, and running would really do my body good.
i'm excited about mental issues too. i re-read my post about intentions and realized that i have made some SUBSTANTIAL progress. I have paid attention to my health and my body and i look and feel great. i go work out (45 minutes of cardio and then strength training) 1-4 times a week. for a while there it was only 1 or 2 times a week, and have just got back into going more regularly.
i needed this re-energizing though, because i've sort of hit a plateau. i stopped counting points and i'm eating based on my body's cravings. i love veggies and fruit, so most of the time i'm fine. i can tell when i need cheese, meat, or carbs. the only bad part about that is, i can't fight off sugar cravings very easily... if there is cake, i eat it. also, since i was on vacation, i was eating MORE than necessary, and going out to eat just immediately soars the calories.
Anyhow, the point is that i have paid attention to my body and seeing the results has been CRAZY exciting! I have lost about 25 lbs. i haven't weighed 170 in YEARS! YEARS and years! my clothes have just been falling off of me, and with the weights and strength training, i don't just look thin, i look tone, which was my main goal of getting into shape. : D
i'm reading a book about this gap that most people have when it comes to wanting to do something and actually doing it. the main points are to 1st- know what you want. to dream big and set goals. then 2nd- to continually remind yourself and stay conscious of your dreams. lastly- to recognize and celebrate progress. we get so down for wanting to do something and not doing it, but to realize that in each moment we have choices, and each little teeny tiny choice towards accomplishing our goals is success. that's good to remember.
i'm on the verge now of REALLY having good health. i've lost weight, i love to cook healthy food, i'm getting used to this routine of working out. i think i may just commit to another half marathon. having the commitment and a set schedule would help to get past this plateau. i think.... but i may just be out of my mind!!!!!!!!
we shall see. until next time.
i'm excited about mental issues too. i re-read my post about intentions and realized that i have made some SUBSTANTIAL progress. I have paid attention to my health and my body and i look and feel great. i go work out (45 minutes of cardio and then strength training) 1-4 times a week. for a while there it was only 1 or 2 times a week, and have just got back into going more regularly.
i needed this re-energizing though, because i've sort of hit a plateau. i stopped counting points and i'm eating based on my body's cravings. i love veggies and fruit, so most of the time i'm fine. i can tell when i need cheese, meat, or carbs. the only bad part about that is, i can't fight off sugar cravings very easily... if there is cake, i eat it. also, since i was on vacation, i was eating MORE than necessary, and going out to eat just immediately soars the calories.
Anyhow, the point is that i have paid attention to my body and seeing the results has been CRAZY exciting! I have lost about 25 lbs. i haven't weighed 170 in YEARS! YEARS and years! my clothes have just been falling off of me, and with the weights and strength training, i don't just look thin, i look tone, which was my main goal of getting into shape. : D
i'm reading a book about this gap that most people have when it comes to wanting to do something and actually doing it. the main points are to 1st- know what you want. to dream big and set goals. then 2nd- to continually remind yourself and stay conscious of your dreams. lastly- to recognize and celebrate progress. we get so down for wanting to do something and not doing it, but to realize that in each moment we have choices, and each little teeny tiny choice towards accomplishing our goals is success. that's good to remember.
i'm on the verge now of REALLY having good health. i've lost weight, i love to cook healthy food, i'm getting used to this routine of working out. i think i may just commit to another half marathon. having the commitment and a set schedule would help to get past this plateau. i think.... but i may just be out of my mind!!!!!!!!
we shall see. until next time.
Goal for Today
Today I will drink enough water.
Enough= 3 of my Lands' End bottles, which is 34 ounces each.
Enough= 3 of my Lands' End bottles, which is 34 ounces each.
Monday, July 11, 2011
change always gets me
Today is Day One of covering reception. In fact, I can hardly even say "covering reception," since it is now my responsibility. I guess I'm a receptionist again.
I'm not entirely sure why this situation is setting me off balance, but it is, and although I keep saying I'm fine, I feel out of whack. There's so many reasons why I'm uncomfortable right now. Of course there is the obvious, of doing something new and not knowing what to expect, but then there's also the fact that although it's a different time and different place, to some extent, it's not new and I DO know what to expect.
The first welcome I received at my new desk was someone else's dirty ass coffee cup, water cup, and water bottle. (They could have taken care of that stuff themselves before they left), and then someone asking where the flowers were for the vase. They get delivered... they aren't here yet... not much I can do about it. Want me to go outside and pick some??
As much as I like human interaction, and as good as I'd SAY I am with customer service, my first morning as receptionist, it dawned on me that maybe I don't like dealing with people as much as I'd previously thought. This position is so superficial. People just walk by, in and out, and spout out general small talk as they go about their business, not necessarily even caring who is sitting here. I wonder how lonely it gets to be over time, even with the constant traffic.
This is my blog, so i could bitch about all the reasons I'm feeling crabby, but I know that really won't help the situation.
I'm going to chalk the main reason up to change in general. Something new, something unknown, a situation where I need to be open and accepting. I already said I'd do this, so there's no real reason to fuss. I can adapt fast, but I am still taking the time to acknowledge that I'm having a hard time. I already showed Alex, in not so many words, how excited I am, so I really have to check myself. I don't want to be Miss Bad Attitude sitting up here. GET IT TOGETHER, SISTER!
Time will tell how this will all play out. Too bad I have such a hard time with patience.
Until next time. xoxo
I'm not entirely sure why this situation is setting me off balance, but it is, and although I keep saying I'm fine, I feel out of whack. There's so many reasons why I'm uncomfortable right now. Of course there is the obvious, of doing something new and not knowing what to expect, but then there's also the fact that although it's a different time and different place, to some extent, it's not new and I DO know what to expect.
The first welcome I received at my new desk was someone else's dirty ass coffee cup, water cup, and water bottle. (They could have taken care of that stuff themselves before they left), and then someone asking where the flowers were for the vase. They get delivered... they aren't here yet... not much I can do about it. Want me to go outside and pick some??
As much as I like human interaction, and as good as I'd SAY I am with customer service, my first morning as receptionist, it dawned on me that maybe I don't like dealing with people as much as I'd previously thought. This position is so superficial. People just walk by, in and out, and spout out general small talk as they go about their business, not necessarily even caring who is sitting here. I wonder how lonely it gets to be over time, even with the constant traffic.
This is my blog, so i could bitch about all the reasons I'm feeling crabby, but I know that really won't help the situation.
I'm going to chalk the main reason up to change in general. Something new, something unknown, a situation where I need to be open and accepting. I already said I'd do this, so there's no real reason to fuss. I can adapt fast, but I am still taking the time to acknowledge that I'm having a hard time. I already showed Alex, in not so many words, how excited I am, so I really have to check myself. I don't want to be Miss Bad Attitude sitting up here. GET IT TOGETHER, SISTER!
Time will tell how this will all play out. Too bad I have such a hard time with patience.
Until next time. xoxo
Thursday, July 7, 2011
funk
i'm in one.
i feel really bad saying this, but my kid is annoying the SHIT out of me. should i really feel so guilty for wanting her to leave me alone? i do... and i do.
there's stuff going on at work. it sucks. i don't even know exactly how i feel about it all, but i almost feel sick.
also... there's something i recently found out, that as much as i think i don't care, it's still bugging me. i'm not mad or sad, just in a funk. i kind of wish i never found out. now i'm thinking about the past, which is totally pointless and destructive. nothing really has changed other than my own knowledge. i know i have to let it go, i really really want to, but i'm just still processing, i guess.
i think it's really just a combination of things that i'm having a hard time shaking.
this stuff at work as been going on for about a month now, and we're all on edge and waiting for the ax to drop. there's anticipation, dread, and staleness. thankfully i have work, so i haven't been too excruciatingly bored, but it's slow and i kind of feel like we're in purgatory. never a fun place to visit, let alone every day. i guess i hadn't realized how much or why it was weighing so heavy. supposedly there's something happening tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.
i know for one thing, i'm really ready for this year to be over with. i'm so sick of waiting. i'd wait as long as i have to, it's worth it, but while he's gone, part of my heart is just paused. i'm still living my life, i'm not "waiting" to live my life for him, but i'm waiting for us to start "our" life. it's really hard to love someone so much and to be so far and miss so many things every single day. really- not a day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him. :( most of the time i can handle it, especially knowing that so much time has passed and there's only so little left, but also definitely weighs on me. him too i'm sure. i try not to think too much about how his life is over there, because although he's soldiering through it, i know it's miserable. he acts tough, but i know he wants to be home too. soon... counting down the days now.
we're going camping this weekend. i'm on edge right now, so please, for the love of god, please, let me have some patience. i LOVE camping, i want to have fun, but i know i need to chill out right now. deeeeeep breaths- starting now.
i feel really bad saying this, but my kid is annoying the SHIT out of me. should i really feel so guilty for wanting her to leave me alone? i do... and i do.
there's stuff going on at work. it sucks. i don't even know exactly how i feel about it all, but i almost feel sick.
also... there's something i recently found out, that as much as i think i don't care, it's still bugging me. i'm not mad or sad, just in a funk. i kind of wish i never found out. now i'm thinking about the past, which is totally pointless and destructive. nothing really has changed other than my own knowledge. i know i have to let it go, i really really want to, but i'm just still processing, i guess.
i think it's really just a combination of things that i'm having a hard time shaking.
this stuff at work as been going on for about a month now, and we're all on edge and waiting for the ax to drop. there's anticipation, dread, and staleness. thankfully i have work, so i haven't been too excruciatingly bored, but it's slow and i kind of feel like we're in purgatory. never a fun place to visit, let alone every day. i guess i hadn't realized how much or why it was weighing so heavy. supposedly there's something happening tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.
i know for one thing, i'm really ready for this year to be over with. i'm so sick of waiting. i'd wait as long as i have to, it's worth it, but while he's gone, part of my heart is just paused. i'm still living my life, i'm not "waiting" to live my life for him, but i'm waiting for us to start "our" life. it's really hard to love someone so much and to be so far and miss so many things every single day. really- not a day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him. :( most of the time i can handle it, especially knowing that so much time has passed and there's only so little left, but also definitely weighs on me. him too i'm sure. i try not to think too much about how his life is over there, because although he's soldiering through it, i know it's miserable. he acts tough, but i know he wants to be home too. soon... counting down the days now.
we're going camping this weekend. i'm on edge right now, so please, for the love of god, please, let me have some patience. i LOVE camping, i want to have fun, but i know i need to chill out right now. deeeeeep breaths- starting now.
Monday, May 23, 2011
don't you KNOW you're pissing me off?!?!?
something to remember when one is feeling that the world is against them, creating roadblocks at every possible turn, is that everyone is in their own world, and that most of the time, even though it feels that everything should be understood and logical, everyone has their own ideas of the situation.
sometimes part of why i get so frustrated with things, is that i have expectations of the "background info" or "set up" of a situation to be understood and accepted universally. turns out that since everyone is in their own world, when something turns sour, it really encompasses more than that specific moment in time. what happened last week sets me up for how i will feel or react to something that happens this week.
for example, i've asked a few companies to give me price quotes on their office supplies, so that we can switch companies. the problem is, now that they know this, they all keep calling me. i feel like i've already said to give me space and time and let me figure it out, but they aren't. they have no idea that i'm covering someone elses job and don't really have time to deal with overhead crap, or that they are bugging the shit out of me that they call every week to "check in," and they especially aren't thinking about how they are not the only company doing it. the pressure is mounting, and i want to just tell them what i think. Somehow today, I stepped back for just a second and realized that they really don't know my world at all, that it's probably more reasonable for me to take each call individually and explain, calmly, that i just need more time.
anyhow, without turning this in to a rant, the point i was making, is that although to me the situation is bothersome, to them the situation is completely and totally different and it isn't even necessarily practical for me to expect them to see it from my point of view. imagine that.
there's been a few situations lately where i've belived it to be completely reasonable that i'm feeling angry and frustrated, but really, those emotions are only valid from MY point of view, so to expect that someone would understand why i was so pissed is a little silly. (shhhh, don't tell.)
there really is no solution here at the moment, really just observation. observation of my own tendencies to feel like i have a right to be upset, and observation of what it is that other people do that upsets me, and how my expectations and assumptions add to the mess.
i can accept this fault, but i don't like it.
there IS a fight club.
sometimes part of why i get so frustrated with things, is that i have expectations of the "background info" or "set up" of a situation to be understood and accepted universally. turns out that since everyone is in their own world, when something turns sour, it really encompasses more than that specific moment in time. what happened last week sets me up for how i will feel or react to something that happens this week.
for example, i've asked a few companies to give me price quotes on their office supplies, so that we can switch companies. the problem is, now that they know this, they all keep calling me. i feel like i've already said to give me space and time and let me figure it out, but they aren't. they have no idea that i'm covering someone elses job and don't really have time to deal with overhead crap, or that they are bugging the shit out of me that they call every week to "check in," and they especially aren't thinking about how they are not the only company doing it. the pressure is mounting, and i want to just tell them what i think. Somehow today, I stepped back for just a second and realized that they really don't know my world at all, that it's probably more reasonable for me to take each call individually and explain, calmly, that i just need more time.
anyhow, without turning this in to a rant, the point i was making, is that although to me the situation is bothersome, to them the situation is completely and totally different and it isn't even necessarily practical for me to expect them to see it from my point of view. imagine that.
there's been a few situations lately where i've belived it to be completely reasonable that i'm feeling angry and frustrated, but really, those emotions are only valid from MY point of view, so to expect that someone would understand why i was so pissed is a little silly. (shhhh, don't tell.)
there really is no solution here at the moment, really just observation. observation of my own tendencies to feel like i have a right to be upset, and observation of what it is that other people do that upsets me, and how my expectations and assumptions add to the mess.
i can accept this fault, but i don't like it.
there IS a fight club.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
what goes in my mouth
i publicly announced on facebook that i have started weight watchers.
i'm not embarrassed about paying attention to what i put in my mouth (also my body), but i am embarrassed to call it a diet. maybe not embarrassed, but uncomfortable.
the good thing is, conveniently, the way i'm eating now is just exactly how i want to be eating, just now there's some structure to it.
i like this. i'm talking about food, and it's great.
ever since i was pregnant with gwendolyn and trying to ward off morning sickness, i've been fighting off the habit of eating all day long. i still have snacks (thank goodness), but now only 2, and i'm just more aware in general of the things that go in my mouth.
at first i felt a little bit hungry between meals and snacks, but i realize that WHAT i am eating is lasting longer and i'm feeling better. funny how this stuff comes back so quick, but now that i'm in such a different place, i'm ready for it.
i want this. my body feels happy. :D
seriously, amazing.
i'm not embarrassed about paying attention to what i put in my mouth (also my body), but i am embarrassed to call it a diet. maybe not embarrassed, but uncomfortable.
the good thing is, conveniently, the way i'm eating now is just exactly how i want to be eating, just now there's some structure to it.
i like this. i'm talking about food, and it's great.
ever since i was pregnant with gwendolyn and trying to ward off morning sickness, i've been fighting off the habit of eating all day long. i still have snacks (thank goodness), but now only 2, and i'm just more aware in general of the things that go in my mouth.
at first i felt a little bit hungry between meals and snacks, but i realize that WHAT i am eating is lasting longer and i'm feeling better. funny how this stuff comes back so quick, but now that i'm in such a different place, i'm ready for it.
i want this. my body feels happy. :D
seriously, amazing.
Friday, February 11, 2011
intentions
i will be honest, i'm a little bit uncomfortable even posting this. this very short list is not what i imagined my letter of intentions to be. i also can't help but feel that i've left off important items. maybe my entire list of inentions will slowly unveil in parts.
so anyhow, please send me good juju, and positive, supportive energy and thoughts.
the list:
i will spend more time this year working on my health. i will figure out a schedule that involves physical activity. i will eat food that nourishes my body and keep me energetic and alive. i will feel better, look better, have more energy, and feel better about my body.
i will work towards being more comfortable and long term self-sufficient financially. i don't feel like i need more money, although i could certainly find use for it, but i do want to be more organized with what i've got.
i will make a list of the outstanding tasks in my life. i will create a system to prioritize, set up a game plan, and keep track of the things i need to take care of, and then do them. now and in the future.
i don't like having to admit that i haven't got all my shit together. i'm even a little embarrassed by it. i don't feel like a failure, because there are many things that i do feel that i do right, but there are some things tugging me in different directions right now.
i can do this stuff, it will just take energy and discipline.
i have broken promises to myself... i can find or make time to do the things that are truly important.
so anyhow, please send me good juju, and positive, supportive energy and thoughts.
the list:
i will spend more time this year working on my health. i will figure out a schedule that involves physical activity. i will eat food that nourishes my body and keep me energetic and alive. i will feel better, look better, have more energy, and feel better about my body.
i will work towards being more comfortable and long term self-sufficient financially. i don't feel like i need more money, although i could certainly find use for it, but i do want to be more organized with what i've got.
i will make a list of the outstanding tasks in my life. i will create a system to prioritize, set up a game plan, and keep track of the things i need to take care of, and then do them. now and in the future.
i don't like having to admit that i haven't got all my shit together. i'm even a little embarrassed by it. i don't feel like a failure, because there are many things that i do feel that i do right, but there are some things tugging me in different directions right now.
i can do this stuff, it will just take energy and discipline.
i have broken promises to myself... i can find or make time to do the things that are truly important.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
here it comes... honestly
this post was originally dated 1/15/11 1:40 PM.
to whom it may concern (also read: anyone who would call them self a friend):
i have some friends who give me very good ideas. the only problem is that they have to tell me about 3 or more times before i actually hear them.
through the grape-vine i've heard about another friends' letter of intention and how she is continuing to work towards each of the things she set out to do, and how much she has accomplished. she originally just asked for her friends to give her positive thoughts. simple enough. but when she bravely told us what she had planned, we remembered to send good juju her way instead of questioning or judging.
second hand, i've seen her business grow with her strength and dedication. i admire this woman and also my friend for knowing to pass it on to me. they always know just what to say. : ) (thx!)
so... without further ado, (yes i just looked up the spelling of ado) i will be setting my intentions on display. feel free to read, but please remember when you do, to send me positive thoughts and good vibes.
----------------------------
Okay, here's where i admit that i've sat down to write this intention letter at least three times, and have thought about it more times than that. yet, there is no letter. : )
let me just say, that it's harder than i expected, and it's in the works.
believe me, this was a step in itself. i'll take what i can get.
to whom it may concern (also read: anyone who would call them self a friend):
i have some friends who give me very good ideas. the only problem is that they have to tell me about 3 or more times before i actually hear them.
through the grape-vine i've heard about another friends' letter of intention and how she is continuing to work towards each of the things she set out to do, and how much she has accomplished. she originally just asked for her friends to give her positive thoughts. simple enough. but when she bravely told us what she had planned, we remembered to send good juju her way instead of questioning or judging.
second hand, i've seen her business grow with her strength and dedication. i admire this woman and also my friend for knowing to pass it on to me. they always know just what to say. : ) (thx!)
so... without further ado, (yes i just looked up the spelling of ado) i will be setting my intentions on display. feel free to read, but please remember when you do, to send me positive thoughts and good vibes.
----------------------------
Okay, here's where i admit that i've sat down to write this intention letter at least three times, and have thought about it more times than that. yet, there is no letter. : )
let me just say, that it's harder than i expected, and it's in the works.
believe me, this was a step in itself. i'll take what i can get.
the first time
today, for the first time, i realized that i've got multiple blog entries in draft form in multiple blogs.
i love it.
except for the feeling that i've got too much to do.
i love it.
except for the feeling that i've got too much to do.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
these are a few of my favorite things
the simple things in life, when i slow down enough to pay attention to them, are what make me feel the very most alive.
more often than not, i'm strongly moved by the sunshine. the sun just shining however which way it feels like shining, be it rays shooting through the clouds, glitter sparkling on the water, filtered through the trees, windy and moving the green grass like ocean waves, or everything being that hazy golden orange color when setting, sparking my desire for a sweater.
why those things? i can't explain, but it's a feeling that is overwhelming (in a good way) and undeniable.
when these simple things capture my attention, i become frozen, and stop in awe. sometimes even mid-thought, and definitely mid-sentence. anyone who has driven in a car with me could attest to that.
why so strong? why so memorable?
good question.
i thought about this for a while when the question was first asked of me. the next day i reported that the reason these things moved me so much, is because they aren't dramatic. the trees, just standing next to each other, enjoying the daylight, not getting all pissed because another tree is in it's bubble. "hey jerk! keep your branches off of me," or "move it! my root was there first." maybe in their own ways they work out problems like those, i'm sure they're legitimate, but there isn't conflict about it. they aren't getting all up in arms (ha-ha), they aren't cussing each other out. they're just being there. they are growing, they are living and breathing, they are naturally doing the processes that they are meant to do. their leaves bloom and die over and over with the seasons and just do their thing. i like that.
the other day, while driving downtown, the weather was very windy. i noticed (and pointed out) this one guy in particular who had on a grey suit that was a little bit loose that was flapping around like crazy in the wind as he got off his bike and locked it to a pole. i think the reason that wind moves me so much is that it's so big. so mighty and uncontrollable and wild. i love that. that man's suit was all over the place. there was nothing he could do about it. he wasn't even trying, which was nice, because it just looked cool to see his pants and jacket so animated.
these things that so easily could be missed, i feel so thankful and special to witness them.
more often than not, i'm strongly moved by the sunshine. the sun just shining however which way it feels like shining, be it rays shooting through the clouds, glitter sparkling on the water, filtered through the trees, windy and moving the green grass like ocean waves, or everything being that hazy golden orange color when setting, sparking my desire for a sweater.
why those things? i can't explain, but it's a feeling that is overwhelming (in a good way) and undeniable.
when these simple things capture my attention, i become frozen, and stop in awe. sometimes even mid-thought, and definitely mid-sentence. anyone who has driven in a car with me could attest to that.
why so strong? why so memorable?
good question.
i thought about this for a while when the question was first asked of me. the next day i reported that the reason these things moved me so much, is because they aren't dramatic. the trees, just standing next to each other, enjoying the daylight, not getting all pissed because another tree is in it's bubble. "hey jerk! keep your branches off of me," or "move it! my root was there first." maybe in their own ways they work out problems like those, i'm sure they're legitimate, but there isn't conflict about it. they aren't getting all up in arms (ha-ha), they aren't cussing each other out. they're just being there. they are growing, they are living and breathing, they are naturally doing the processes that they are meant to do. their leaves bloom and die over and over with the seasons and just do their thing. i like that.
the other day, while driving downtown, the weather was very windy. i noticed (and pointed out) this one guy in particular who had on a grey suit that was a little bit loose that was flapping around like crazy in the wind as he got off his bike and locked it to a pole. i think the reason that wind moves me so much is that it's so big. so mighty and uncontrollable and wild. i love that. that man's suit was all over the place. there was nothing he could do about it. he wasn't even trying, which was nice, because it just looked cool to see his pants and jacket so animated.
these things that so easily could be missed, i feel so thankful and special to witness them.
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