Monday, February 11, 2013
Roadblocks and Revelations
It's so easy to forget about roadblocks and setbacks....... that is, until you hit one. A week or so ago I had a SHITTY ASS morning. Everything was going wrong and I was angry and frustrated, yet I was trying really hard for it to not turn into a shitty ass day, but I was definitely struggling. I realized that in the past, when I wasn't so addicted to working out, that I would have used ANY excuse to not work out. Any little thing would have been a good reason to skip a work out. For some reason it was different this time. When I had a shitty morning and my mind was fighting the day, I realized that I needed a work out EVEN MORE, and I started looking forward to it. I knew if I could keep my mouth shut (and not bite any one's head off or stick my own foot in it), that I could have a break, away from everything, and get my sweat on.
The thing about exercising, especially if it's kick ass, is that you don't really have time for the mental shit to creep in. When you're trying to keep up or push yourself harder, or when you're trying to breath or not fall off of a step, you don't have time to dwell on crap. It naturally goes away. : ) Aside from that mental side of it, there are physical and chemical reasons why when you work out (endorphins or something), your body releases the stress. DAMN! Isn't that amazing!?!?!!?!? Win freaking win.
Point is, the difference now for me, is that instead of using stress or frustration as a reason to not work out, I embrace the opportunity I have to GET THROUGH IT and feel a million times better. I'm so thankful this working out at lunch thing is working out so well. It really is a life changer for me. I don't have to fight with myself. Had I been attempting to work out in the evenings after work, I can guarantee that I would have kept my shitty attitude ALL day, and when I finally got off work would have for sure said "fuck that mess," and went home to the couch.
Okay, that was the roadblock. Here's the revelation:
I went for a run yesterday. First time in a LONG time. I've been working my ass off at the gym with cardio and strength.
Side note: The scale hasn't moved.... good god I've been working my ass off, but that damn number hasn't changed much (fluctuating between 173-175, started at 178). I jumped SO DAMN QUICK to tell someone online how that number isn't reflective of the work or progress they've done, so I know that part, but it sure is discouraging to keep seeing that same few numbers each week. I just keep thinking that eventually it's going start melting off, but I'm getting impatient! To be fair, my body definitely, without a doubt, feels different. I'm feeling more tone and strong, and my clothes are fitting a little bit better, so I'm not letting it get to me. Okay, that is really just a patience issue for me. I know this is working, and I'm realizing that maybe I need to kick it up a notch. Hence the run...
So, not only am I needing more cardio to get this fat the hell outta here, but I also signed up for a 5k run in early March. I haven't been running, so obviously I'll need to train a little bit, even to get to 3 miles.
Back to the point, I ran yesterday. 2 miles. Pretty much the entire thing, and you know what???????? It was fairly easy, and enjoyable. I'm shocked! This whole blog started a couple years ago when I started training for a half marathon. I've always had a love/hate relationship with running (mostly because it's always been hard and completely un-enjoyable), but I got my mind set on it and I did it. The thing that happened yesterday, that completely shocked me and motivated me, is that it wasn't too terribly hard. I still had to focus on breathing, and oh boy are my calves sore today, but I did it, I did it fast and I did it well.
: D Proud face!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to mention, that was the first time running with my minimalist shoes (New Balance Minimus). I've been wearing them for a while now to work out and just walk around, but never for running. Towards the end of that 2 miles, I could feel my calves freaking out, and holy shit I can hardly walk now. I'm assuming that will calm down, and all it tells me is that I need to stretch more and keep practicing. I am very very happy to know, however, that I can run a 5k race. Whew!
I'm thankful too, that even though the number on the scale hasn't changed much, that I received such a clear message yesterday on my progress. I know 2 miles isn't much, but being able to comfortably run it is a huge accomplishment and it was easier yesterday than the ENTIRE time I was training to do the half marathon. That right there, is some HUGE proof to me that the work I've been doing has made a difference.
The other thing that I realized while I was running, stumbling through trying to get my earphones to stay in and the right song on, is that again, for this new feat, I need to set myself up for success. I can't waste time and energy (and get all frustrated) on my music and earphones when I really want to kick some pavement ass. So, I will make sure to have the right earphones with me, and also, put some time aside to create a running playlist! I will definitely be putting my new Muse cd on my ipod - that will last me a while!! Realize how having a good upbeat tempo, or songs that I know and like is going to be a key thing for my running success.
That's it for now! Now, go out and get it on!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Setting Ourselves Up for Success
Now, don't be fooled. This journey isn't always easy.
However, I'm starting to realize that how I set myself up really determines how easy or hard it is.
The man and I actually went out to "shop" for water bottles this weekend. This may seem silly, but there were specific features I was looking for in water bottle that would help or hinder my goals. Realizing small things like this, and investing into making my life easier is a way that I am learning to set myself up for success.
Don't judge either... I know water bottles are easy to come by, but now since I'm using one religiously, every single day, and I have circumstances where I need to bottle to work for me.
My criteria:
- Not screw top. I was looking for a flip up or something. I don't want to have twist the lid five times each time I want a drink. The intent is to drink MORE water, not make it a chore to take a quick sip. ESPECIALLY in the middle of a work out. We only get a quick water break!!
- Not too many pieces. I'll need to wash this thing frequently, I don't want it to be like a damn sippy cup, where I have to take the pieces apart and let it dry completely to not worry about mold or bacteria.
- Not easily broken. There was cool flip up one, but it had a button that released it, and as awesome and convenient as that would have been, there's no doubt that I would have tossed that bottle and that sweet little flippy lid would have gone flying. Then I'd be stuck with another broken piece of crap.
- No sports squirty ones. Those piss me off because you have to either squeeze it or not, or blow air into it, and still sometimes water doesn't come out. And they make noise normally too. You'd think that wouldn't be so complicated, but again, I don't want to waste money on something and end up being stuck with something that isn't right for me.
-Want the measurements on the side. So simple, yet not all of them have it. I might want to measure something.... I could have lived without this feature, but I'm happy that I found one that had it. I typically use my free Body Builder.com cup thingy for my protein shakes, and we actually purchased separate, smaller containers (that won't spill in back-packs) for our juice, but you never know!
KEY FEATURE - I have to be able to drink easily out of it without spilling it all over myself. With the big ol openings, where the entire lid that screws off, I inevitably am ready for a wet t-shirt contest. I use this at work and while driving, and not making an annoying mess is a deal-breaker for me. (Yes Sister-in-Law, I've heard of cups. There truly is a shortage here.)
-Has to fit in a cup holder. Using this in the car, need it to fit in the cup holder.
So, there you have it. I did actually find the perfect one. The funny thing about this one, is that I used one briefly when it was left at my house. I was happy to return it to the rightful owner when I found her, but I really liked it, and was sad to see it go. I'm very glad to have found one just for me, cause it's PERFECT!
The Winner:
Aladdin Bottle from Target
I'm not a picky bitch either, so don't go there. I've just had a million different water bottles and some of them are truly a pain in the ass. I like the idea of setting myself for success, and realizing that the tools I use through-out the day, including during work-outs, matters. Making life easy is a good way to do the things you want to do without the added stress. MAKE IT EASY FOR YOURSELF.
One day last week we went out for the man's birthday. Got home late, got the kid to bed, and then went straight to bed. Guess what I forgot? To set up all of the stuff I needed for the next day. I didn't use that as an excuse, I still got it together in the morning and worked out that day, but let me tell you, it was a huge pain in the ass, and I still ended up forgetting things.
The gym is right across the parking lot. It's easy... IF I'm prepared. Typically, the night before, I'll get my clothes together, put them in the back-pack, measure out my almond milk (the whey protein is at work already), and get my snacks together. Taking time out of an already busy morning and subsequently running late, rushing to grab everything and I forgot my food. I didn't have proper snacks on hand. I found something and I survived, but the whole situation was just a FAT ASS REMINDER that I need to get it all together the night before. Simply, setting myself up for success. Just small things like that will make or break my attempts to choose health.
The water and juice bottles, even if they seem unnecessary, were important to the man and I both. Even just something reliable to carry the juice in, knowing it won't be spilling all over his work clothes in his back-back is an important way to set up for success.
Purchasing sports bras. Yeah, maybe I didn't need to spend money on clothes right now, but since I'm participating in some hard-core, fast-paced, bouncing around classes, I needed the support. I feel comfortable, my clothes aren't limiting me, and I have enough that I don't run out before laundry happens on the weekend. It's an investment. An investment into my health and success in choosing health.
I'm noticing more and more these little changes that make life easily. Not just any life though, the life I want to have.
However, I'm starting to realize that how I set myself up really determines how easy or hard it is.
The man and I actually went out to "shop" for water bottles this weekend. This may seem silly, but there were specific features I was looking for in water bottle that would help or hinder my goals. Realizing small things like this, and investing into making my life easier is a way that I am learning to set myself up for success.
Don't judge either... I know water bottles are easy to come by, but now since I'm using one religiously, every single day, and I have circumstances where I need to bottle to work for me.
My criteria:
- Not screw top. I was looking for a flip up or something. I don't want to have twist the lid five times each time I want a drink. The intent is to drink MORE water, not make it a chore to take a quick sip. ESPECIALLY in the middle of a work out. We only get a quick water break!!
- Not too many pieces. I'll need to wash this thing frequently, I don't want it to be like a damn sippy cup, where I have to take the pieces apart and let it dry completely to not worry about mold or bacteria.
- Not easily broken. There was cool flip up one, but it had a button that released it, and as awesome and convenient as that would have been, there's no doubt that I would have tossed that bottle and that sweet little flippy lid would have gone flying. Then I'd be stuck with another broken piece of crap.
- No sports squirty ones. Those piss me off because you have to either squeeze it or not, or blow air into it, and still sometimes water doesn't come out. And they make noise normally too. You'd think that wouldn't be so complicated, but again, I don't want to waste money on something and end up being stuck with something that isn't right for me.
-Want the measurements on the side. So simple, yet not all of them have it. I might want to measure something.... I could have lived without this feature, but I'm happy that I found one that had it. I typically use my free Body Builder.com cup thingy for my protein shakes, and we actually purchased separate, smaller containers (that won't spill in back-packs) for our juice, but you never know!
KEY FEATURE - I have to be able to drink easily out of it without spilling it all over myself. With the big ol openings, where the entire lid that screws off, I inevitably am ready for a wet t-shirt contest. I use this at work and while driving, and not making an annoying mess is a deal-breaker for me. (Yes Sister-in-Law, I've heard of cups. There truly is a shortage here.)
-Has to fit in a cup holder. Using this in the car, need it to fit in the cup holder.
So, there you have it. I did actually find the perfect one. The funny thing about this one, is that I used one briefly when it was left at my house. I was happy to return it to the rightful owner when I found her, but I really liked it, and was sad to see it go. I'm very glad to have found one just for me, cause it's PERFECT!
The Winner:
Aladdin Bottle from Target
I'm not a picky bitch either, so don't go there. I've just had a million different water bottles and some of them are truly a pain in the ass. I like the idea of setting myself for success, and realizing that the tools I use through-out the day, including during work-outs, matters. Making life easy is a good way to do the things you want to do without the added stress. MAKE IT EASY FOR YOURSELF.
One day last week we went out for the man's birthday. Got home late, got the kid to bed, and then went straight to bed. Guess what I forgot? To set up all of the stuff I needed for the next day. I didn't use that as an excuse, I still got it together in the morning and worked out that day, but let me tell you, it was a huge pain in the ass, and I still ended up forgetting things.
The gym is right across the parking lot. It's easy... IF I'm prepared. Typically, the night before, I'll get my clothes together, put them in the back-pack, measure out my almond milk (the whey protein is at work already), and get my snacks together. Taking time out of an already busy morning and subsequently running late, rushing to grab everything and I forgot my food. I didn't have proper snacks on hand. I found something and I survived, but the whole situation was just a FAT ASS REMINDER that I need to get it all together the night before. Simply, setting myself up for success. Just small things like that will make or break my attempts to choose health.
The water and juice bottles, even if they seem unnecessary, were important to the man and I both. Even just something reliable to carry the juice in, knowing it won't be spilling all over his work clothes in his back-back is an important way to set up for success.
Purchasing sports bras. Yeah, maybe I didn't need to spend money on clothes right now, but since I'm participating in some hard-core, fast-paced, bouncing around classes, I needed the support. I feel comfortable, my clothes aren't limiting me, and I have enough that I don't run out before laundry happens on the weekend. It's an investment. An investment into my health and success in choosing health.
I'm noticing more and more these little changes that make life easily. Not just any life though, the life I want to have.
Choose Health
First, let me say this: I joined a group on Facebook called Choose Health. (Thanks Mary Tyler Mom). It's pretty neat. There's lots of sharing and support going on there, but the reason I mention it is because I like the name. It's quite a brilliant idea if you think about it. Using that idea as a guage to make decisions, allows us to start fresh at EVERY SINGLE decision-making opportunity. No matter what choice we made yesterday, or earlier today, the question is fresh each time it comes up. The best part to me, is that every single one of us can answer that question for ourselves. It's not a specified way to live. It's tailored to what each of us needs to feel successful, and it simply reminds us to think about what health is to each of us individually.
It's also a committment. It takes the pressure away from our dirty little minds playing tricks on us.
Example (me talking to myself): Oh man, that cupcake looks delicious! I can taste the chocolate frosting in my mouth already. Do I want it? HELL YEAH I want it!!!!! Then comes guilt..... Do I really want it? Well... no, but it looks so good. Stop.... think about this brilliant question that I've committed to truly consider, and I ask myself to Choose Health..... Okay, I know I don't want it and I toss the entire plate into the garbage can immediately. Shit, it's been sitting on my counter for a week now.
That little pause, that break in my mind to re-asses what exactly that cupcake means. I'm not going say no every time. Sometimes to choose health, (for sanity? for fun? to celebrate?) I will say yes. And that is perfectly okay. I love chocolate cake and I REFUSE to cut myself off completely. But I will choose to have one and be done with it. Not drag on that fight in my mind. I hope that as I progress in my journey of choosing health that it will start to come naturally and more automatic.
It's crazy how MENTAL our success is. Especially for choosing health, whether it be the "eating" part or the "physical" part, the choices and the attitudes we have about it all is mental.
It's also a committment. It takes the pressure away from our dirty little minds playing tricks on us.
Example (me talking to myself): Oh man, that cupcake looks delicious! I can taste the chocolate frosting in my mouth already. Do I want it? HELL YEAH I want it!!!!! Then comes guilt..... Do I really want it? Well... no, but it looks so good. Stop.... think about this brilliant question that I've committed to truly consider, and I ask myself to Choose Health..... Okay, I know I don't want it and I toss the entire plate into the garbage can immediately. Shit, it's been sitting on my counter for a week now.
That little pause, that break in my mind to re-asses what exactly that cupcake means. I'm not going say no every time. Sometimes to choose health, (for sanity? for fun? to celebrate?) I will say yes. And that is perfectly okay. I love chocolate cake and I REFUSE to cut myself off completely. But I will choose to have one and be done with it. Not drag on that fight in my mind. I hope that as I progress in my journey of choosing health that it will start to come naturally and more automatic.
It's crazy how MENTAL our success is. Especially for choosing health, whether it be the "eating" part or the "physical" part, the choices and the attitudes we have about it all is mental.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Mistakes are just learning opportunities
That was my very very first time "juicing" ever (...by myself. I tried Sister-in-Law's and it was yummy!). I was horribly intimidated by the entire idea. Partly, because I was introduced to the idea as a FAST. Meaning, no food. Yikes, that's enough to turn me away running. I've been reading up on "juicing" and watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick, and Almost Dead." Good stuff, definitely worth your time to watch. It's on Netflix, available for streaming.
I'd decided not to do the fast, but instead, simply, add juicing to my life in general, maybe replacing a meal, but I was still intimidated. I know this is completely irrational, but I was afraid of the machine itself. I was afraid food was going to come flying out, or my hand would get sucked in and mangled. Neither of those things happened.
I will however mention, to please be cautious when putting a bunch of crap down the garbage disposal. I knew this already, and thought I was being careful, or basically put stuff down there like I would normally, but forgot that it was WAY more than normal. So yeah, long story short, the sink got clogged, as did the drain for the dishwasher. Don't let this happen to you. The man will not appreciate trying to clean up chunks of veggie and fruit pulp when it's his bedtime. Learn from my mistake. ; )
Anyhow.... the juice I made that night, and since then, has mostly been pretty delicious, but aside from the taste, I love what it does for me. When I drink it, I feel satisfied, so I actually decided that I'd replace it for my breakfast and switch my typical breakfast to my 10am snack.
Reasons why that is relevant:
1 - I was basically eating two breakfasts. I REALLY need the 10am snack so I don't pass out during my work out, but I realized I probably don't need a bunch of carbs and sugar just to sit at my desk for a couple hours (since I normally eat a wheat english muffin with peanut butter on it and coffee with sugary creamer) . Freaking AH-HA! PLUS, since technically I am tracking points with Weight Watchers, the juice is FREE. ZERO POINTS, but ridiculously good for me!
2 - Sister-in-Law told me this, and now I acutally get it (timing I guess), but now, I get most of the nutrients my body needs first thing in the morning and I'm done for the day. So, whatever I end up eating, I"m not missing out on the good stuff, already got that handled first thing. What a relief! Note - I am not saying because I get all my veggies and fruit as juice for breakfast that I can eat like shit the rest of the day, MORE veggies never hurt anyone, I'm just saying I don't have to WORRY about it. I still eat veggies through out the day as a main ingredient.
3 - This may not be relevant to anyone but me, but another irrational fear I had (or maybe rational...), was that I would be stuck in the bathroom... so, naturally, I got really excited when I realized I wouldn't shit my pants immediately after drinking the juice, even with coffee. GREAT!
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The man is drinking this juice willingly as well. : ) He's been commuting to work by bike, three days a week. FREAKING AWESOME! I'm not even "making" him. He's done it all by himself and I think he's really enjoying it. I can tell he likes how he feels and he's proud. : D Not to mention it's been below freezing when he's leaving the house. BRRRRR!!!! But he's determined, and that my friends, is simply all it takes.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Clarity Comes from Action
Today I had a "Snack ah-HA!"
I'd been feeling a little light headed toward the end of the group classes at the gym.
First time, duh, I didn't eat anything... I got really light-headed, had to slow it down, and felt like shit afterwards.
Second time I had an apple and string cheese and I still got light-headed, but it wasn't as bad and felt better much quicker.
Today I stuck with the apple and string cheese, but added half of a 100% whole wheat with flax sead sandwhich thin, and ah-HA! That did it. I feel fine! I'm going to have almond milk with whey protein for recovery right now, and eat another small snack in an hour or two. No one said I needed to eat all of my lunch at one time. ; )
So, the quote "Clarity comes from action," to me, is similar (but less cliche') as "You won't know until you try." It took me three times to figure out something that would work for my body. I didn't over eat, I got nutrition, I got enough fuel to kick ass. That's some winning strategy if you ask me, but the point is, I never would have figured it out if I didn't just do it. : )
I'd been feeling a little light headed toward the end of the group classes at the gym.
First time, duh, I didn't eat anything... I got really light-headed, had to slow it down, and felt like shit afterwards.
Second time I had an apple and string cheese and I still got light-headed, but it wasn't as bad and felt better much quicker.
Today I stuck with the apple and string cheese, but added half of a 100% whole wheat with flax sead sandwhich thin, and ah-HA! That did it. I feel fine! I'm going to have almond milk with whey protein for recovery right now, and eat another small snack in an hour or two. No one said I needed to eat all of my lunch at one time. ; )
So, the quote "Clarity comes from action," to me, is similar (but less cliche') as "You won't know until you try." It took me three times to figure out something that would work for my body. I didn't over eat, I got nutrition, I got enough fuel to kick ass. That's some winning strategy if you ask me, but the point is, I never would have figured it out if I didn't just do it. : )
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
our bodies are machines!!
Sometimes I forget that my body is a machine.
I started doing group classes at a gym. I couldn't count on myself to get out of bed at the crack of freaking dawn and work out in my living room. So, I joined the gym near my work. The cost is a higher than a normal gym, and surely more expensive than no gym at all, but there's a couple of key reasons why I made this (monetary) commitment, since I could just go run around the block, right?:
1- I'm paying for it and I don't want to waste my money. Ultimately, I want to exercise, but I have had the hardest time actually doing it. For whatever reason, I just couldn't MAKE myself get off my ass and do something active. Now if I don't, I'm wasting money. Trying to pay for a wedding and honeymoon right now doesn't leave much extra, but I'm considering this monthly payment a HUGE investment into my future, and of course, it won't hurt to look fucking amazing for my wedding. ; )
2- Accountability. There are people at my work who go to this gym, and frequently go work out at lunch. Seeing them go, them asking me if I'm going, and having to actually face up to someone if I don't go, is motivation for me. Also, although I'm new now, I have already started to meet people, and the instructors, at the gym and I would like to walk in proudly everyday and kick ass, not walk-in every other week and suck at the work out and know that I am not giving it enough.
3- Didn't even realize this as a reason, but now I'm noticing too, that the work outs are 10 million times better than working out alone at my house. The instructors target areas, change the routines, yell out to pump up the energy, and coach on form (VERY IMPORTANT). Work out videos just don't have that. I'm already not bored. I'm excited about even barely being able to keep up and I know that once I get better, there's so much room to keep pushing harder and harder. See, I'm excited... this is something I was totally missing when I was attempting to drag my comfy ass out of bed to go unwillingly work out in my living room. Which, brings me to the next reason;
4- Since my choice to work out doesn't have anything to do with staying in my nice warm covers, the choice is MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to make. I'm already right there, there's classes at my lunch time, I have no good reason not to go. I like that. I didn't realize that I needed that decision to be easy for me. I would give myself such a hard time for being so lazy in the morning, and felt guilty about not making an effort to be healthy and strong (and look damn fine!). I can keep this up!!
5- This isn't so much a reason why I joined, but it is definitely going to make a huge difference for me, physically and financially. To use my lunch hour to to work out, I HAVE to get my clothes and food for the day ready at home and bring it to work with me. That automatically saves my money and calories to eat my lunch from home rather than going out to lunch (fast food, etc.). And.....the hard part is already done by the time my lunch hour comes. I already made the hard choices, and all I have to do is change clothes and walk over there.
YESSSSS!!!! Finally something that actually works for me. I've needed this for such a long time.
When my man was deployed to Iraq for the 2011 year, I worked out all the time and ate tons of veggies and I looked at felt amazing. A - MAY - ZING! When he got home (not blaming him at all!!), we just got lazy together. Who could help that? We got comfortable, and life happened and we didn't focus on healthy eating, and got stuck in the rut of whatever what quick and convenient. It's taken a year of this lifestyle to loose my muscle gain some weight back, and basically feel shitty, physically and mentally.
Side note- I am mostly not self conscious about my appearance. Thankfully, I have never mentally felt fat, I have always had confidence, but there's also a negative to that, and it's that I am normally fine with being lazy. I typically have needed to get to point of feeling physically disgusting before I've taken action. It wasn't until the year he was gone, where I 1)was trying to keep myself occupied, and 2)had the goal of getting in shape enough to have sex without being concerned about body fat flopping around. (Sorry to my future Mother in Law and Sister in Law, who sometimes ready my blog and would probably rather not know that detail, butttt, it's true, and it was a very good motivator.) Point is, it's the physical feeling of shittiness that motivates me. That is unfortunate, but at least there's something that will push me!
I don't like having the extra padding on my body. I don't like what it looks like in pictures, I don't like how it feels to clap my hands and have my flabby arms wave like wings (think, Oprah arms), and I surely don't like how my "skinny" pants feel tight now. I think I already mentioned that I WILL NOT BE BUYING NEW FREAKING FAT PANTS. I FUCKING REFUSE!!!!! I got rid of my larger sized clothes, knowing I never wanted to wear that size again. I still fit into my size 10 pants, but they're snug and THAT is enough of a rude awakening, among plenty of other reasons, to get my shit into gear and DO SOMETHING. (Among other reasons.... sugar. BLEH!! Tis the season, and that season is over, and as much as I enjoy cookies and pie and cake and monkey bread, I do NOT enjoy wasting money on new clothes in a size I don't want to wear. And I just feel nasty after all that sugary crap!!)
I can think about working out all I want. I can say I want to work out all day long. It finally dawned on me, (Thanks Nike!), to just freaking DO IT. Just do it. JUST DO IT. Keyword: DO.
So, to be clear. This is NOT a new year's resolution. This is in no way in hell a diet, don't even dare call it that. This is simply something that I want really really bad, and have finally figured out a way to make it happen.
I really hoped that after all the work I had done in 2011 that I would be able to keep it up. I had thought that my man would come home and we could work out together. Again, not blaming him at all, but that just didn't happen. I kept hoping we could somehow magically work our schedules or motivation and energy to get into the habit of doing something together, and I finally just realized I had to do it by myself. In 2011 I went with my friend Leia and it worked out great! Our schedules fit, our kids went to kid's club together, we carpooled, etc. Neither her nor the man could help me this time though.
I will admit, even though I refuse to diet, that I am tracking food on Weight Watchers. Again, that is an "investment" I made that I really didn't want to waste. I had signed up for a 3 month plan, that will be done the end of this month (January) and I don't think I'll be continuing it, but we'll see. I haven't tracked regularly up until this point, and I sure as hell haven't lost any weight (gained actually- shocking!), but thankfully, when I do finally get the motivation to work out, I naturally want to eat less crap. Why would I work so hard to burn calories and gain muscle, and then sabotage it with eating pumpkin pie for breakfast? So, I'm going to track this month, get my damn money's worth, which I already know works if I actually do it, and that will be my super banging kick-start. These work outs are already kicking my damn butt, so even a little bit of change in food intake (haha not diet) will make a difference.
All of that brings me to the point of this blog....
Last week I joined the gym and participated in my first group class exercise there. It was tough! !! The instructor had a mean work out lined up for us, and I pushed it, but with my complete lack of physical activity and poor food choices, I felt like shit afterwards. I started to feel light headed towards the end of the work out and felt nasty for a few hours afterwards, even after eating. When I asked, the instructor mentioned eating a snack beforehand, including carbs. (Maybe I should have known that... I did grab some almonds on my way over, knowing I needed to eat something, but it wasn't enough, and it was too late.)
That brings me to today, my second class (now that the holidays are over, I'm planning to go Mon-Thurs), and I ate an apple and a string cheese before, about an hour before. Guess what, I still felt light-headed. I followed up the work out with a almond milk/whey protein shake, and a banana, and I don't feel like shit now. That feeling went away pretty quickly, but what it made me realize, is that my body is a machine. I need fuel to give me energy and power. These are the sort of things people end up paying attention to when they work out. Those are not the things I was paying attention to when I was stuffing my face with spinach dip and french bread. Those are the things that I will learn, which snacks help me feel the best, and how soon I should eat before a work out. I will get used to fueling my body to kick-ass! Feeling like a machine was how I felt when I ran a lot to train for a half marathon. Realizing that the thoughts I had about running were totally separate from how my body actually performed. I pushed through wanting to take a break because I knew already that my body could handle it. It's so easy to feel intimidated about working hard and pushing your limits, but it's mental. My body is a machine that can accomlish WAY WAY more than my mind thinks I can. Note to self: Remember that!
I know it sounds like I'm giving myself a hard time. I'm not. Really. I just truly appreciate looking back and seeing how living my life one way will give me one set of results (heart burn for the first time in my life), and the results I get from living my life another way. I care about my life, for me, and also for the man I'm marrying this year, and of course for my daughter. For my daughter as an example, and even just to be around for her. Eventually I plan to have another baby and I want to start off in great shape before I get a new baby belly to work off. I care about my arms not looking fat in my wedding pictures.... I will look at those pictures for the rest of my life and I want to be tone and strong and .... even just comfortable. Comfortable to see those pictures and not wish that I could change something. I don't want disease. I dont' want to be sorry later on in life when it's too late. I know I can't wait for something to go terribly wrong before I try to fix it. Right now it's not too late. Every single day is a chance to start fresh. I'm setting myself up to win this time, because history shows that if I don't, then I fail.
It feels so much better to work hard than to feel guilty and lazy. SO. MUCH. BETTER. It's worth the effort.
-krista
I started doing group classes at a gym. I couldn't count on myself to get out of bed at the crack of freaking dawn and work out in my living room. So, I joined the gym near my work. The cost is a higher than a normal gym, and surely more expensive than no gym at all, but there's a couple of key reasons why I made this (monetary) commitment, since I could just go run around the block, right?:
1- I'm paying for it and I don't want to waste my money. Ultimately, I want to exercise, but I have had the hardest time actually doing it. For whatever reason, I just couldn't MAKE myself get off my ass and do something active. Now if I don't, I'm wasting money. Trying to pay for a wedding and honeymoon right now doesn't leave much extra, but I'm considering this monthly payment a HUGE investment into my future, and of course, it won't hurt to look fucking amazing for my wedding. ; )
2- Accountability. There are people at my work who go to this gym, and frequently go work out at lunch. Seeing them go, them asking me if I'm going, and having to actually face up to someone if I don't go, is motivation for me. Also, although I'm new now, I have already started to meet people, and the instructors, at the gym and I would like to walk in proudly everyday and kick ass, not walk-in every other week and suck at the work out and know that I am not giving it enough.
3- Didn't even realize this as a reason, but now I'm noticing too, that the work outs are 10 million times better than working out alone at my house. The instructors target areas, change the routines, yell out to pump up the energy, and coach on form (VERY IMPORTANT). Work out videos just don't have that. I'm already not bored. I'm excited about even barely being able to keep up and I know that once I get better, there's so much room to keep pushing harder and harder. See, I'm excited... this is something I was totally missing when I was attempting to drag my comfy ass out of bed to go unwillingly work out in my living room. Which, brings me to the next reason;
4- Since my choice to work out doesn't have anything to do with staying in my nice warm covers, the choice is MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to make. I'm already right there, there's classes at my lunch time, I have no good reason not to go. I like that. I didn't realize that I needed that decision to be easy for me. I would give myself such a hard time for being so lazy in the morning, and felt guilty about not making an effort to be healthy and strong (and look damn fine!). I can keep this up!!
5- This isn't so much a reason why I joined, but it is definitely going to make a huge difference for me, physically and financially. To use my lunch hour to to work out, I HAVE to get my clothes and food for the day ready at home and bring it to work with me. That automatically saves my money and calories to eat my lunch from home rather than going out to lunch (fast food, etc.). And.....the hard part is already done by the time my lunch hour comes. I already made the hard choices, and all I have to do is change clothes and walk over there.
YESSSSS!!!! Finally something that actually works for me. I've needed this for such a long time.
When my man was deployed to Iraq for the 2011 year, I worked out all the time and ate tons of veggies and I looked at felt amazing. A - MAY - ZING! When he got home (not blaming him at all!!), we just got lazy together. Who could help that? We got comfortable, and life happened and we didn't focus on healthy eating, and got stuck in the rut of whatever what quick and convenient. It's taken a year of this lifestyle to loose my muscle gain some weight back, and basically feel shitty, physically and mentally.
Side note- I am mostly not self conscious about my appearance. Thankfully, I have never mentally felt fat, I have always had confidence, but there's also a negative to that, and it's that I am normally fine with being lazy. I typically have needed to get to point of feeling physically disgusting before I've taken action. It wasn't until the year he was gone, where I 1)was trying to keep myself occupied, and 2)had the goal of getting in shape enough to have sex without being concerned about body fat flopping around. (Sorry to my future Mother in Law and Sister in Law, who sometimes ready my blog and would probably rather not know that detail, butttt, it's true, and it was a very good motivator.) Point is, it's the physical feeling of shittiness that motivates me. That is unfortunate, but at least there's something that will push me!
I don't like having the extra padding on my body. I don't like what it looks like in pictures, I don't like how it feels to clap my hands and have my flabby arms wave like wings (think, Oprah arms), and I surely don't like how my "skinny" pants feel tight now. I think I already mentioned that I WILL NOT BE BUYING NEW FREAKING FAT PANTS. I FUCKING REFUSE!!!!! I got rid of my larger sized clothes, knowing I never wanted to wear that size again. I still fit into my size 10 pants, but they're snug and THAT is enough of a rude awakening, among plenty of other reasons, to get my shit into gear and DO SOMETHING. (Among other reasons.... sugar. BLEH!! Tis the season, and that season is over, and as much as I enjoy cookies and pie and cake and monkey bread, I do NOT enjoy wasting money on new clothes in a size I don't want to wear. And I just feel nasty after all that sugary crap!!)
I can think about working out all I want. I can say I want to work out all day long. It finally dawned on me, (Thanks Nike!), to just freaking DO IT. Just do it. JUST DO IT. Keyword: DO.
So, to be clear. This is NOT a new year's resolution. This is in no way in hell a diet, don't even dare call it that. This is simply something that I want really really bad, and have finally figured out a way to make it happen.
I really hoped that after all the work I had done in 2011 that I would be able to keep it up. I had thought that my man would come home and we could work out together. Again, not blaming him at all, but that just didn't happen. I kept hoping we could somehow magically work our schedules or motivation and energy to get into the habit of doing something together, and I finally just realized I had to do it by myself. In 2011 I went with my friend Leia and it worked out great! Our schedules fit, our kids went to kid's club together, we carpooled, etc. Neither her nor the man could help me this time though.
I will admit, even though I refuse to diet, that I am tracking food on Weight Watchers. Again, that is an "investment" I made that I really didn't want to waste. I had signed up for a 3 month plan, that will be done the end of this month (January) and I don't think I'll be continuing it, but we'll see. I haven't tracked regularly up until this point, and I sure as hell haven't lost any weight (gained actually- shocking!), but thankfully, when I do finally get the motivation to work out, I naturally want to eat less crap. Why would I work so hard to burn calories and gain muscle, and then sabotage it with eating pumpkin pie for breakfast? So, I'm going to track this month, get my damn money's worth, which I already know works if I actually do it, and that will be my super banging kick-start. These work outs are already kicking my damn butt, so even a little bit of change in food intake (haha not diet) will make a difference.
All of that brings me to the point of this blog....
Last week I joined the gym and participated in my first group class exercise there. It was tough! !! The instructor had a mean work out lined up for us, and I pushed it, but with my complete lack of physical activity and poor food choices, I felt like shit afterwards. I started to feel light headed towards the end of the work out and felt nasty for a few hours afterwards, even after eating. When I asked, the instructor mentioned eating a snack beforehand, including carbs. (Maybe I should have known that... I did grab some almonds on my way over, knowing I needed to eat something, but it wasn't enough, and it was too late.)
That brings me to today, my second class (now that the holidays are over, I'm planning to go Mon-Thurs), and I ate an apple and a string cheese before, about an hour before. Guess what, I still felt light-headed. I followed up the work out with a almond milk/whey protein shake, and a banana, and I don't feel like shit now. That feeling went away pretty quickly, but what it made me realize, is that my body is a machine. I need fuel to give me energy and power. These are the sort of things people end up paying attention to when they work out. Those are not the things I was paying attention to when I was stuffing my face with spinach dip and french bread. Those are the things that I will learn, which snacks help me feel the best, and how soon I should eat before a work out. I will get used to fueling my body to kick-ass! Feeling like a machine was how I felt when I ran a lot to train for a half marathon. Realizing that the thoughts I had about running were totally separate from how my body actually performed. I pushed through wanting to take a break because I knew already that my body could handle it. It's so easy to feel intimidated about working hard and pushing your limits, but it's mental. My body is a machine that can accomlish WAY WAY more than my mind thinks I can. Note to self: Remember that!
I know it sounds like I'm giving myself a hard time. I'm not. Really. I just truly appreciate looking back and seeing how living my life one way will give me one set of results (heart burn for the first time in my life), and the results I get from living my life another way. I care about my life, for me, and also for the man I'm marrying this year, and of course for my daughter. For my daughter as an example, and even just to be around for her. Eventually I plan to have another baby and I want to start off in great shape before I get a new baby belly to work off. I care about my arms not looking fat in my wedding pictures.... I will look at those pictures for the rest of my life and I want to be tone and strong and .... even just comfortable. Comfortable to see those pictures and not wish that I could change something. I don't want disease. I dont' want to be sorry later on in life when it's too late. I know I can't wait for something to go terribly wrong before I try to fix it. Right now it's not too late. Every single day is a chance to start fresh. I'm setting myself up to win this time, because history shows that if I don't, then I fail.
It feels so much better to work hard than to feel guilty and lazy. SO. MUCH. BETTER. It's worth the effort.
-krista
Saturday, December 1, 2012
oh snap, son!
So.... I'm engaged.
My man proposed on November 11th, so I'm still getting used to the whole idea.
Funny how I've imagined getting married all my life, but never even considered what it would feel like to be engaged.
I'm excited!! First, because I'm in love and happy and want to shout it to the world, but also because I want our wedding to be a big fun party and THAT is totally exciting! Who doesn't love a party?
I'm also a little intimidated. Each time in my life I've dated someone I imagined what it would be like to be married to them, and inevitably, I'd see a little picture flash of what our wedding would look like. Each time I've pictured it, it's been different. Different times in my life, different relationships and dynamics, different things that we've cared about as couples. Well, now it's reality. Now, I really actually get to figure out what I (and the man) want and do it.
I think the potential cost is even more intimidating. That, and all of the details. Eventually I'll get to a point where I can think about details (I'm actually really good at that part and looking forward to it), but right now, they are so far away, I can't even go there.
I know... I KNOW that every bride says she wants a simple and inexpensive wedding..... and I'm going to say it too.
Here's a countdown! http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/wedding?iso=20130913T1730&p0=217&msg=W-word#
My man proposed on November 11th, so I'm still getting used to the whole idea.
Funny how I've imagined getting married all my life, but never even considered what it would feel like to be engaged.
I'm excited!! First, because I'm in love and happy and want to shout it to the world, but also because I want our wedding to be a big fun party and THAT is totally exciting! Who doesn't love a party?
I'm also a little intimidated. Each time in my life I've dated someone I imagined what it would be like to be married to them, and inevitably, I'd see a little picture flash of what our wedding would look like. Each time I've pictured it, it's been different. Different times in my life, different relationships and dynamics, different things that we've cared about as couples. Well, now it's reality. Now, I really actually get to figure out what I (and the man) want and do it.
I think the potential cost is even more intimidating. That, and all of the details. Eventually I'll get to a point where I can think about details (I'm actually really good at that part and looking forward to it), but right now, they are so far away, I can't even go there.
I know... I KNOW that every bride says she wants a simple and inexpensive wedding..... and I'm going to say it too.
Here's a countdown! http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/wedding?iso=20130913T1730&p0=217&msg=W-word#
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
poop
Couple of things...
1st- Although this isn't the best reason ever to make a life changing effort to make my body healthier and trimmer, ANY reason at this point that actually gets me moving, is a good reason: My pants don't fit my ass. Last week I actually changed what I was wearing before leaving for work because my pants were uncomfortably tight. I REFUSE, REFUSE I SAY!!, to buy bigger pants. I got rid of all my bigger pants because I didn't want to ever wear them again. I sure as hell won't be spending money on more. So yes, pants not fitting is a good reason to work hard and lose some fat.
2nd - I've pooped twice so far today. That is exciting because, since I've been working out, I know that I'm losing fat, and I imagine my excess fat going down the drain with the poo. I wave and say "Peace the fuck out, fat!"
Awesome!
Parting words: The best way to see change is do actually DO something different.
1st- Although this isn't the best reason ever to make a life changing effort to make my body healthier and trimmer, ANY reason at this point that actually gets me moving, is a good reason: My pants don't fit my ass. Last week I actually changed what I was wearing before leaving for work because my pants were uncomfortably tight. I REFUSE, REFUSE I SAY!!, to buy bigger pants. I got rid of all my bigger pants because I didn't want to ever wear them again. I sure as hell won't be spending money on more. So yes, pants not fitting is a good reason to work hard and lose some fat.
2nd - I've pooped twice so far today. That is exciting because, since I've been working out, I know that I'm losing fat, and I imagine my excess fat going down the drain with the poo. I wave and say "Peace the fuck out, fat!"
Awesome!
Parting words: The best way to see change is do actually DO something different.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
hindsight is a bitch
Okay, so wow.... almost exactly a year ago I posted my last blog. http://theresnoavailablenamesleft.blogspot.com/2011/10/plateau-my-ass-let-them-eat-cake.html
I find it extremely interesting (and motivating, thankfully) to see where I was at a year ago.
Basically that post was an "I DID IT" post, but also it said that I wanted to keep it up and live my life in a healthy and active way.
So here's the update. I didn't.
I have gained almost 15 lbs.... wow.... It's been a year of complete lack of exercise and awful food choices. I didn't feel crappy immediately though, and I've only started feeling chubby and slow for the last few months.
That aspect of my life is not how I wanted it to be, but it's not all bad though. Here's what I've got out of this situation:
1st - One of my deepest fears when I was working my ass off to lose weight, was that the second I stopped exercising and (Oh god I hate this word) technically "dieting" that I would get fat again. The truth is, that having to work to LOSE weight sucks. It does. I see the importance now of maintaining because RE-LOSING weight you've already lost sucks even more than trying to lose it the first time. It did take a long while to lose my awesome muscles, and even longer to start putting weight back on. Now hold on there, don't judge... I realize that this could sound like a way to be planned lazy, but really what it means to me, is that once I get to the size I want, I can maintain it WAY easier than I've feared. It's really the losing part that is so hard. That does mean however, that I will need to work my ass off (again) to get to my goal size. All the way there this time.
2nd - My lifestyle makes all the difference... Who I spend time with, what I spend time doing is ultimately going to make or break it.
For almost the entire year of 2011 my boyfriend was deployed to Iraq. I needed to keep busy, and I sure did! That was when I was the very most active with working out, and I'd tried Weight Watchers for a few months with great success. I lived with just my daughter and cooked all my own food. I'd lost weight, gained a ton of muscle and looked so freaking good. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier having the love of my life home. However, with any relationship, people get into life patterns. Our pattern has tended to be more sitting around the garage smoking (which I quit last month) or watching an episode or two of a sitcom after the kid has gone to bed. Our current lifestyle includes (sadly) very little activity. We have also not had much success with meal planning ahead of time. Inevitalbly, we fall trap, like a lot of people do, to the "what are we going to cook for dinner" rut, which ends with us cooking/eating whatever is convenient and fast. Convenient and fast typically equals shit food that does nothing good for our bodies. (Think macaroni and cheese or going out to get fast food.)
I copied this quote the other day because I liked it and didn't want to forget it, however, what I was just writing, fits with it.
"Easy is comfortable. It's what we are familiar with, used to and already capable of. Easy is what I did for 35 years. Easy resulted in me being unhappy with my body, my weight, myself and my life. Easy wasn't fun or memorable for any good reasons. "
Wonderful quote from A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures at http://www.sherylyvette.com/
I've read quite a few of her blogs, but that particular quote fits what's on my mind right now. Not only does "easy" refer to what kind of meals I eat, but also to the amount of activity in my life. Man... It really is so easy to be lazy. It's really easy to sleep in and not get out of bed when it's cold and dark. I'll need to remember that quote the next time my alarm goes off at 5am to work out. Then I can weigh what easy is actually worth.
No segue, but, I was just in the kitchen at work, and I went back there, knowing there was tons of crap food on the counter waiting for me, planning to grab a handful of raw almonds and get the hell out of there.... then there was spinach dip... damn. And guacamole... damn. My first thought was "What the hell was I thinking, trying to start Weight Watchers again right now?!?" By "right now" I mean, the Halloween holiday and the coming holidays that involve eating, like Thanksgiving (especially) and Christmas. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!? But then.... a realization.... there will ALWAYS be food around me. Aways. Around every holiday.
What is one to do?
I started Weight Watchers on Tuesday and I'm pretty sure (didn't log yesterday because I failed miserably and stuffed myself), that I have used all my flex points for the week already. Bleh... how embarrassing to admit.
The positive spin, and the cold hard truth.... at least I am actually paying attention now. Just think of all the days that have gone by that I've not payed any attention what so ever to what I'm eating or how much. What a harsh reality to see that when I think I'm not eating "too bad," that I am going so so so far overboard. Standing there in the kitchen eating one last tortilla chip with salsa, I also remembered how many times in the recent past I've eaten so much that my tummy feels sickeningly full and I need to lay around on the couch to recover from it. Wow... just wow.
I'm not feeling guity right now. I'm a little bit embarrassed, but mostly I am thankful that I've come back around to caring enough about my body and life that I want to change what I'm doing - which so obviously has not been working.
I don't need people waving a shaming finger "No no" at me when I reach for a piece of bread with spinach dip. I might bite that finger instead.
What I really need is people sharing their healthy and active lifestyles and delicious fresh REAL food recipies and experiments.
I need people showing me examples of excitment and courage, committment, and ass-kicking work outs.
I need friends who want to spend time with me moving and doing fun out door activities-- with our children who also need these things in their lives.
I need my boyfriend to plan meals with me, and grocery shop for the food we want to be eating, so that at the end of the day we can have a meal that will give our bodies fuel and nutrition to keep going. I also need a lifestyle with him that will keep us alive and healthy and feeling good about ourselves for a long ass time.
I also need acceptance for myself for where I'm at right now, and enough self love to keep going.
I find it extremely interesting (and motivating, thankfully) to see where I was at a year ago.
Basically that post was an "I DID IT" post, but also it said that I wanted to keep it up and live my life in a healthy and active way.
So here's the update. I didn't.
I have gained almost 15 lbs.... wow.... It's been a year of complete lack of exercise and awful food choices. I didn't feel crappy immediately though, and I've only started feeling chubby and slow for the last few months.
That aspect of my life is not how I wanted it to be, but it's not all bad though. Here's what I've got out of this situation:
1st - One of my deepest fears when I was working my ass off to lose weight, was that the second I stopped exercising and (Oh god I hate this word) technically "dieting" that I would get fat again. The truth is, that having to work to LOSE weight sucks. It does. I see the importance now of maintaining because RE-LOSING weight you've already lost sucks even more than trying to lose it the first time. It did take a long while to lose my awesome muscles, and even longer to start putting weight back on. Now hold on there, don't judge... I realize that this could sound like a way to be planned lazy, but really what it means to me, is that once I get to the size I want, I can maintain it WAY easier than I've feared. It's really the losing part that is so hard. That does mean however, that I will need to work my ass off (again) to get to my goal size. All the way there this time.
2nd - My lifestyle makes all the difference... Who I spend time with, what I spend time doing is ultimately going to make or break it.
For almost the entire year of 2011 my boyfriend was deployed to Iraq. I needed to keep busy, and I sure did! That was when I was the very most active with working out, and I'd tried Weight Watchers for a few months with great success. I lived with just my daughter and cooked all my own food. I'd lost weight, gained a ton of muscle and looked so freaking good. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier having the love of my life home. However, with any relationship, people get into life patterns. Our pattern has tended to be more sitting around the garage smoking (which I quit last month) or watching an episode or two of a sitcom after the kid has gone to bed. Our current lifestyle includes (sadly) very little activity. We have also not had much success with meal planning ahead of time. Inevitalbly, we fall trap, like a lot of people do, to the "what are we going to cook for dinner" rut, which ends with us cooking/eating whatever is convenient and fast. Convenient and fast typically equals shit food that does nothing good for our bodies. (Think macaroni and cheese or going out to get fast food.)
I copied this quote the other day because I liked it and didn't want to forget it, however, what I was just writing, fits with it.
"Easy is comfortable. It's what we are familiar with, used to and already capable of. Easy is what I did for 35 years. Easy resulted in me being unhappy with my body, my weight, myself and my life. Easy wasn't fun or memorable for any good reasons. "
Wonderful quote from A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures at http://www.sherylyvette.com/
I've read quite a few of her blogs, but that particular quote fits what's on my mind right now. Not only does "easy" refer to what kind of meals I eat, but also to the amount of activity in my life. Man... It really is so easy to be lazy. It's really easy to sleep in and not get out of bed when it's cold and dark. I'll need to remember that quote the next time my alarm goes off at 5am to work out. Then I can weigh what easy is actually worth.
No segue, but, I was just in the kitchen at work, and I went back there, knowing there was tons of crap food on the counter waiting for me, planning to grab a handful of raw almonds and get the hell out of there.... then there was spinach dip... damn. And guacamole... damn. My first thought was "What the hell was I thinking, trying to start Weight Watchers again right now?!?" By "right now" I mean, the Halloween holiday and the coming holidays that involve eating, like Thanksgiving (especially) and Christmas. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!? But then.... a realization.... there will ALWAYS be food around me. Aways. Around every holiday.
What is one to do?
I started Weight Watchers on Tuesday and I'm pretty sure (didn't log yesterday because I failed miserably and stuffed myself), that I have used all my flex points for the week already. Bleh... how embarrassing to admit.
The positive spin, and the cold hard truth.... at least I am actually paying attention now. Just think of all the days that have gone by that I've not payed any attention what so ever to what I'm eating or how much. What a harsh reality to see that when I think I'm not eating "too bad," that I am going so so so far overboard. Standing there in the kitchen eating one last tortilla chip with salsa, I also remembered how many times in the recent past I've eaten so much that my tummy feels sickeningly full and I need to lay around on the couch to recover from it. Wow... just wow.
I'm not feeling guity right now. I'm a little bit embarrassed, but mostly I am thankful that I've come back around to caring enough about my body and life that I want to change what I'm doing - which so obviously has not been working.
I don't need people waving a shaming finger "No no" at me when I reach for a piece of bread with spinach dip. I might bite that finger instead.
What I really need is people sharing their healthy and active lifestyles and delicious fresh REAL food recipies and experiments.
I need people showing me examples of excitment and courage, committment, and ass-kicking work outs.
I need friends who want to spend time with me moving and doing fun out door activities-- with our children who also need these things in their lives.
I need my boyfriend to plan meals with me, and grocery shop for the food we want to be eating, so that at the end of the day we can have a meal that will give our bodies fuel and nutrition to keep going. I also need a lifestyle with him that will keep us alive and healthy and feeling good about ourselves for a long ass time.
I also need acceptance for myself for where I'm at right now, and enough self love to keep going.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
plateau my ass, let them eat cake!
so... i haven't been working out! : O !!!! i know. it's awful. i still feel muscle-y and my super skinny clothes are fitting me better than ever. i'm eating mostly healthy (aside from the birthday cake), but i haven't been going to the gym. i feel guilty and lazy, and i have this underlying fear that i'm going to get fat again. : (
this is partly an excuse, but it is partly legitimate as a real defense, and that is that my back has been hurting super duper bad. i started going to the chiropractor's office about a month ago. i am starting to feel better- i noticed that when i was shaving in the shower the other day, that my back hurt only a little bit, but it didn't feel like it was breaking in half... so that's progress. i didn't WANT to stop going to the gym when i started going to the chiropractor, but aside from the pain that definitely was limiting me, my schedule has been turned upside down. having a "strict" schedule for going to the gym, which turned into a routine, was a big part of my success in going. so now that just about all the nights i had planned for the gym are taken up by chiro appointments, i have to change something... and soon!!!!
i wanted to mention a good thing, which is going to be my motivation to get my shrunken ass back in there, and that is that i am OFFICIALLY wearing a size 10 pant and really starting to need medium shirts. that really is amazing. to put it in perspective- when i was in high school, i weighed about 155-160 and wore 9/10 pants and small/medium shirts. since high school, pretty quickly after- since i got a desk job and an office ass, i've worn, pretty solidly, a 14 pant and large shirts. ... this has been the last 10 years.... all of my adult life. after i gave birth to gwendolyn i was wearing a 16 pant, not for too long, but 14's weren't cutting it, and i even bought a couple of XL shirts. wow. ... so after training for the half marathon i got back into 14's and even bought some 12's, woo hoo! THAT was exciting. So for the past couple years, i've been a steady 12-14. anyhow... boring!!!! but this is leading up to the good thing, that is not only am i solidly in a ten, for reals, not tight at all. even the green pants that kate (with the hot ass) gave me, fit perfectly! woo effing hoo! my new jeans... size 8. the dress for gabrielle's wedding and also the christmas party- 8. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT????? i hardly can for some reason. and the medium shirts, even though it doesn't seem like a big deal, i TRULY have worn large forever... foreeeeeeever, and i'm not just barely squeezing into mediums, it's that my larges are TOO big, i HAVE to buy mediums. okay, so i know it looks like i'm bragging, but what i'm really doing is providing PROOF that living like this works... (except for the chocolate cake... well, chocolate cake sometimes is okay.)
eating veggies, not being a lazy ass, who would have thought? not just a little bit of weight, 30 pounds.... 3 sizes down.... THIS is going to have to be my motivation for going back.
i never wanted to "just" loose weight. i wanted to loose weight, but also look tone and athletic. not just skinny with flab, but toned- muscles, clothes fitting nicely, less belly fat to shift around when i sit down. all that. AND to feel good. to have energy, to not feel ill because all i ate for the day was sugar. i've been doing it. the truth is, i can do it more. i can do it better. i don't want to give up- this IS how i want to live my life. getting off track makes it hard as hell to get back on.
here's what i'm going to do. i'm making it public so i can't change my mind.
1. go back to the gym- mondays, wednesdays, and thursdays are OUT, so i now have to go tuesday with leia, friday after work, saturday morning with leia, and sunday if i can muster it.... or maybe just a fun outdoor activity, like a walk to the park. i can handle that. it's not any more or less than i was already doing, i just have to have a plan! otherwise saturday morning comes around and all i want to do is laze around and drink coffee.... i'll plan that for sunday- can't cut out lazing around drinking coffee!!!! this has to be a plan i can live with!
2. get another water bottle (universe- you can help with this). my other one finally broke after i dropped it too many times, but it REALLY helped with getting enough water, since it was about 30 ounces and i only had to drink 3 of them in a day. in the meantime, just drink some damn water out of a cup... 10 million cups, but still.
3. finish off that chocolate cake.... and not get another one. ; ) easy enough.
4. think about meals for the week and prep. although, ideally, i'd like to have it all written out and planned, maybe on a calendar. i'm visual, so having it sort of set out for meals on certain days would ease my mind. what would be really awsome though, is coming home from work and knowing already exactly what i would cook and knowing that i already had everything i needed to cook it. the hassle of finally getting home, taking off my work clothes and high heels, getting gwen into something to occupy here, and then having to use my head to figure out what to make for dinner- and then taking the time to pull it all together- that's when we end up having cereal for dinner. ; ) so having a plan is a good start! also grocery shopping in advance so we have things for certain recipes, and then prepping some stuff ahead of time.
okay, that's it for now. like i recently told someone, i'm not totally off the wagon, i'm just being dragged behind it right now, holding on for dear life. ; )
i just don't want to get all new nice fitting clothes, get rid of my bigger ones, then gain some weight back and have nothing to wear again. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.... i like my body too much now. i don't EVER EVER EVER want to be that size again. when i get knocked up, i'll buy some maternity clothes, but i'm not going to let myself get to the point i was before....i just can't. my body, my life, and my happiness is worth it.
: ) cheers friends!
this is partly an excuse, but it is partly legitimate as a real defense, and that is that my back has been hurting super duper bad. i started going to the chiropractor's office about a month ago. i am starting to feel better- i noticed that when i was shaving in the shower the other day, that my back hurt only a little bit, but it didn't feel like it was breaking in half... so that's progress. i didn't WANT to stop going to the gym when i started going to the chiropractor, but aside from the pain that definitely was limiting me, my schedule has been turned upside down. having a "strict" schedule for going to the gym, which turned into a routine, was a big part of my success in going. so now that just about all the nights i had planned for the gym are taken up by chiro appointments, i have to change something... and soon!!!!
i wanted to mention a good thing, which is going to be my motivation to get my shrunken ass back in there, and that is that i am OFFICIALLY wearing a size 10 pant and really starting to need medium shirts. that really is amazing. to put it in perspective- when i was in high school, i weighed about 155-160 and wore 9/10 pants and small/medium shirts. since high school, pretty quickly after- since i got a desk job and an office ass, i've worn, pretty solidly, a 14 pant and large shirts. ... this has been the last 10 years.... all of my adult life. after i gave birth to gwendolyn i was wearing a 16 pant, not for too long, but 14's weren't cutting it, and i even bought a couple of XL shirts. wow. ... so after training for the half marathon i got back into 14's and even bought some 12's, woo hoo! THAT was exciting. So for the past couple years, i've been a steady 12-14. anyhow... boring!!!! but this is leading up to the good thing, that is not only am i solidly in a ten, for reals, not tight at all. even the green pants that kate (with the hot ass) gave me, fit perfectly! woo effing hoo! my new jeans... size 8. the dress for gabrielle's wedding and also the christmas party- 8. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT????? i hardly can for some reason. and the medium shirts, even though it doesn't seem like a big deal, i TRULY have worn large forever... foreeeeeeever, and i'm not just barely squeezing into mediums, it's that my larges are TOO big, i HAVE to buy mediums. okay, so i know it looks like i'm bragging, but what i'm really doing is providing PROOF that living like this works... (except for the chocolate cake... well, chocolate cake sometimes is okay.)
eating veggies, not being a lazy ass, who would have thought? not just a little bit of weight, 30 pounds.... 3 sizes down.... THIS is going to have to be my motivation for going back.
i never wanted to "just" loose weight. i wanted to loose weight, but also look tone and athletic. not just skinny with flab, but toned- muscles, clothes fitting nicely, less belly fat to shift around when i sit down. all that. AND to feel good. to have energy, to not feel ill because all i ate for the day was sugar. i've been doing it. the truth is, i can do it more. i can do it better. i don't want to give up- this IS how i want to live my life. getting off track makes it hard as hell to get back on.
here's what i'm going to do. i'm making it public so i can't change my mind.
1. go back to the gym- mondays, wednesdays, and thursdays are OUT, so i now have to go tuesday with leia, friday after work, saturday morning with leia, and sunday if i can muster it.... or maybe just a fun outdoor activity, like a walk to the park. i can handle that. it's not any more or less than i was already doing, i just have to have a plan! otherwise saturday morning comes around and all i want to do is laze around and drink coffee.... i'll plan that for sunday- can't cut out lazing around drinking coffee!!!! this has to be a plan i can live with!
2. get another water bottle (universe- you can help with this). my other one finally broke after i dropped it too many times, but it REALLY helped with getting enough water, since it was about 30 ounces and i only had to drink 3 of them in a day. in the meantime, just drink some damn water out of a cup... 10 million cups, but still.
3. finish off that chocolate cake.... and not get another one. ; ) easy enough.
4. think about meals for the week and prep. although, ideally, i'd like to have it all written out and planned, maybe on a calendar. i'm visual, so having it sort of set out for meals on certain days would ease my mind. what would be really awsome though, is coming home from work and knowing already exactly what i would cook and knowing that i already had everything i needed to cook it. the hassle of finally getting home, taking off my work clothes and high heels, getting gwen into something to occupy here, and then having to use my head to figure out what to make for dinner- and then taking the time to pull it all together- that's when we end up having cereal for dinner. ; ) so having a plan is a good start! also grocery shopping in advance so we have things for certain recipes, and then prepping some stuff ahead of time.
okay, that's it for now. like i recently told someone, i'm not totally off the wagon, i'm just being dragged behind it right now, holding on for dear life. ; )
i just don't want to get all new nice fitting clothes, get rid of my bigger ones, then gain some weight back and have nothing to wear again. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.... i like my body too much now. i don't EVER EVER EVER want to be that size again. when i get knocked up, i'll buy some maternity clothes, but i'm not going to let myself get to the point i was before....i just can't. my body, my life, and my happiness is worth it.
: ) cheers friends!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
changes
i would say that i am adaptable. i tend to think i learn quickly. i do ask a lot of questions though.
i can come through things and be okay. by things, i mean when situations change, dynamics thrown off, order of events altered, and physical changes of people, places, and things.
i have finally noticed that although i haven't any doubt about making it through these things, i do have apprehension and anxiety about not knowing where all this "shit" is going to land (after hitting the fan.)
i don't even necessarily believe these (or most other) changes are bad. i ALWAYS end up in a better place when there's an upheaval. it's the discomfort of the phoenix's fire that throws me off. i guess it just seems that there's a place i go in my head that is unique from all the others. it's a different thought process, a shift in what i'm used to.
i'm not afraid of failing. i know i can do this.
i'm not afraid of opinions. i have genuine intent, and a pure heart.
i'm can keep my calm..... with lots of deep breaths and positive thoughts. (mental image: do NOT be the upside duck paddling chaotically).
it's just change. not sure why it freaks me out............................ but it does.
i can accept each moment for what it's worth. there's just a lot going on and it overwhelms me sometimes.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
relax
interesting how, when things get going rough, that we can, so quickly and so automatically, switch into one of our modes. i realize i have "survival mode", "transistion mode", "defensive mode", "stressed the fuck out mode" (also known as "overwhelmed and shutting down mode"), which quickly morphs into the "I'm so fucking over it mode." i wouldn't say that any of these ways of operation are typical or normal for me, but sometimes they just get switched on. although we do need some way of handling difficult situations, what i'm noticing is how fast and how easy i can switch into these alternate methods of handling life.
relax.
there was more, but i deleted it. i'm not sure that i'm ready for this shit in my head to be made solid.
relax.
there was more, but i deleted it. i'm not sure that i'm ready for this shit in my head to be made solid.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
plateau
although i was warned, i am definitely one for learning my own lessons. i have officially hit a plateau in my weight loss/muscle gain/health adventure. i could call it that... but really, i went from eating great and working out so-so, to working out great and eating so-so, so it's not a huge surprise that i have stopped losing weight. i look pretty darn good still since i'm becoming more tone, but i'm just not done yet!! i want to plateau out and have a decently easy time staying the same size once i actually GET to my goal weight... not yet. grrrr.
the sad truth is that eating out just isn't really possible if i really want to get to my goal weight- AND stay there. once in a while should be fine, but it's going to have to be the exception. not only does it cost too much to eat lunch out every day, the food is nasty ass shit... and by "nasty ass shit" i mean it taste really good but it's a zillion points/calories. so really- although it tastes pretty good, i'm actually more disgusted by how damn EASY it is to be fat. our society, our culture, our EVERY DAMN DAY LIVING is disgusting! to lose weight or to not become obese (again) i just can't live like that. that's all there is to it.
so now, truthfully, how possible is it for me to "bow out" of that lifestyle? the choice in my head is easy, but the logistics are damn near impossible. when all of the options around me are crazy fattening (not to mention chemical-y and processed and just completely unhealthy in general). i'm realizing that if i want to eat healthy- for the most part, i just have to make it myself. there really aren't many (if any) options where i can just run out grab some food. i think that's where the "culture" part comes in.
for example, a few weeks ago i was really feeling like i needed some red meat. good old beef- sometimes i crave it, and i typically listen to that sort of craving. anyhow, i go to johnny rockets, i think? thank goodness the menus are starting to have the calories listed, but woah... woah... that's all i can say. to put it in perspective, i should be eating around 1200-1400 calories a day. i am trying to lose weight, so maybe a typical healthy person at a healthy weight could/would eat more. anyhow, that point is, that just a regular ol meal there would consist of a burger, fries, and a drink- maybe even a milkshake. the burger alone.... almost 1500 calories. that's JUST lunch, not even the whole lunch. how easy is it to go to a restaurant and eat your entire day's calories in one meal? WAY TOO EASY. then you eat another meal for dinner- i find that to be DISGUSTING. i'm not pretending to be high and mighty- no way! i've fallen for the same thing that everyone else has fallen for, and i think that may just be ignorance and laziness. so now i know, and i'm not entirely lazy, so how do i just stop eating that stuff?
people eat socially. schedules permit "fast" food. how does one participate in life without the option of eating out? i realize i'm asking more questions than answering, but that's the point- i don't have the answers. i'm just waking up to this sick reality that it's WAY easier to be fat, stay fat, get fat, teach our children to be fat, and die fat. and before we die we are uncomfortable physically, our clothes fit awfully, we are tormented mentally, and we judge, criticize, and guilt ourselves constantly. now is that any way to live? i've decided now, that NO, it is not a good way to live. i don't like the easy options for "normal" living.
i don't believe so much in new years resolutions, but at the beginning of this year i started a vegetable crusade. i was literally feeling ill, and i honestly believe it was due to the lack of nutrients my body was receiving. someone else was doing all of the cooking in my household, and as yummy as it tasted, it was not what i needed to live. hardly any veggies at all, if any, they were cooked with TONS (and i mean TONS!!!) of oil and butter. now i'm no nutritionist, but i know that the ratios of meat, carbs, and veggies should probably not lean towards mostly carbs, way too much meat, and no veggies. From the USDA's "My Plate" dietary guidelines:
Foods to Increase
● Make half your plate fruits and vegetables.
● Make at least half your grains whole grains.
● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk.
good to know! also, with weight watchers i learned that i only really need a tiny serving of meat and carbs, and then i just use mostly veggies to fill up! i use fruits mostly as snacks or with my breakfast. : ) even with pasta i like mostly veggies in the sauce over it. i guess the point of this paragraph is to say that i know HOW to eat more healthy, and typically i enjoy it. i've really been excited about talking to friends about cooking and trying recipes from magazines. my weakness is simply eating out. the weakness is simple to recognize, but it's not simple to rectify.
so today for lunch, i went to the grocery store. i am actually quite pleased with the selection i ended up with. i have some good plans for all the fruits and veggies i got.
here are the things i will focus on to be successful in my crusade for a healthy and beautiful body:
1- meal plan. have ideas for what i'll be cooking through out the week and ensure i have the necessary ingredients.
2- stick to bringing lunch to work. it's not hard for me to stick to the good stuff if i don't have other options- i just can't say how many times i've ditched my good stuff for 1500 calorie hamburgers/fries/shakes or cheesy mexican (i drool just thinking about that).
that makes me realize i need to do this-
3- think about foods that i really like to eat and figure out how to make them myself in a more nutritious way. i can still have cheesy mexican- but now it will be more veggies and less cheese. this can work!
4- ultimately i realize that simply PAYING ATTENTION to what i'm eating makes a big difference. i don't want to HAVE to be on weight watchers or counting calories for the rest of my life, to do that i'll need a good repertoire of food that i know i can eat guiltlessly. i like where this is going!
5- limit my social excursions, since there's not much getting around the nasty ass shit once i'm out and about.
6- if i must eat out, i'll pay close attention to what i order. i don't have to automatically give up just because i've walked into the doors of a restaurant.
as always- recognize and celebrate progress. progress excites us and motivates us to continue.
keep on keeping on!
xoxo krista
oh- almost forgot. the whole reason i started this post was to say that when i went grocery shopping today i was not only pleased with my selections, but PROUD. my lunch was delicious! here's a picture. i didn't think to take a picture until i was almost done, so here's what was left of it. mixed greens & spinach, bell pepper, tomato, crab meat, cucumber, salt/pepper, and honey mustard dressing.
the sad truth is that eating out just isn't really possible if i really want to get to my goal weight- AND stay there. once in a while should be fine, but it's going to have to be the exception. not only does it cost too much to eat lunch out every day, the food is nasty ass shit... and by "nasty ass shit" i mean it taste really good but it's a zillion points/calories. so really- although it tastes pretty good, i'm actually more disgusted by how damn EASY it is to be fat. our society, our culture, our EVERY DAMN DAY LIVING is disgusting! to lose weight or to not become obese (again) i just can't live like that. that's all there is to it.
so now, truthfully, how possible is it for me to "bow out" of that lifestyle? the choice in my head is easy, but the logistics are damn near impossible. when all of the options around me are crazy fattening (not to mention chemical-y and processed and just completely unhealthy in general). i'm realizing that if i want to eat healthy- for the most part, i just have to make it myself. there really aren't many (if any) options where i can just run out grab some food. i think that's where the "culture" part comes in.
for example, a few weeks ago i was really feeling like i needed some red meat. good old beef- sometimes i crave it, and i typically listen to that sort of craving. anyhow, i go to johnny rockets, i think? thank goodness the menus are starting to have the calories listed, but woah... woah... that's all i can say. to put it in perspective, i should be eating around 1200-1400 calories a day. i am trying to lose weight, so maybe a typical healthy person at a healthy weight could/would eat more. anyhow, that point is, that just a regular ol meal there would consist of a burger, fries, and a drink- maybe even a milkshake. the burger alone.... almost 1500 calories. that's JUST lunch, not even the whole lunch. how easy is it to go to a restaurant and eat your entire day's calories in one meal? WAY TOO EASY. then you eat another meal for dinner- i find that to be DISGUSTING. i'm not pretending to be high and mighty- no way! i've fallen for the same thing that everyone else has fallen for, and i think that may just be ignorance and laziness. so now i know, and i'm not entirely lazy, so how do i just stop eating that stuff?
people eat socially. schedules permit "fast" food. how does one participate in life without the option of eating out? i realize i'm asking more questions than answering, but that's the point- i don't have the answers. i'm just waking up to this sick reality that it's WAY easier to be fat, stay fat, get fat, teach our children to be fat, and die fat. and before we die we are uncomfortable physically, our clothes fit awfully, we are tormented mentally, and we judge, criticize, and guilt ourselves constantly. now is that any way to live? i've decided now, that NO, it is not a good way to live. i don't like the easy options for "normal" living.
i don't believe so much in new years resolutions, but at the beginning of this year i started a vegetable crusade. i was literally feeling ill, and i honestly believe it was due to the lack of nutrients my body was receiving. someone else was doing all of the cooking in my household, and as yummy as it tasted, it was not what i needed to live. hardly any veggies at all, if any, they were cooked with TONS (and i mean TONS!!!) of oil and butter. now i'm no nutritionist, but i know that the ratios of meat, carbs, and veggies should probably not lean towards mostly carbs, way too much meat, and no veggies. From the USDA's "My Plate" dietary guidelines:
Foods to Increase
● Make half your plate fruits and vegetables.
● Make at least half your grains whole grains.
● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk.
good to know! also, with weight watchers i learned that i only really need a tiny serving of meat and carbs, and then i just use mostly veggies to fill up! i use fruits mostly as snacks or with my breakfast. : ) even with pasta i like mostly veggies in the sauce over it. i guess the point of this paragraph is to say that i know HOW to eat more healthy, and typically i enjoy it. i've really been excited about talking to friends about cooking and trying recipes from magazines. my weakness is simply eating out. the weakness is simple to recognize, but it's not simple to rectify.
so today for lunch, i went to the grocery store. i am actually quite pleased with the selection i ended up with. i have some good plans for all the fruits and veggies i got.
here are the things i will focus on to be successful in my crusade for a healthy and beautiful body:
1- meal plan. have ideas for what i'll be cooking through out the week and ensure i have the necessary ingredients.
2- stick to bringing lunch to work. it's not hard for me to stick to the good stuff if i don't have other options- i just can't say how many times i've ditched my good stuff for 1500 calorie hamburgers/fries/shakes or cheesy mexican (i drool just thinking about that).
that makes me realize i need to do this-
3- think about foods that i really like to eat and figure out how to make them myself in a more nutritious way. i can still have cheesy mexican- but now it will be more veggies and less cheese. this can work!
4- ultimately i realize that simply PAYING ATTENTION to what i'm eating makes a big difference. i don't want to HAVE to be on weight watchers or counting calories for the rest of my life, to do that i'll need a good repertoire of food that i know i can eat guiltlessly. i like where this is going!
5- limit my social excursions, since there's not much getting around the nasty ass shit once i'm out and about.
6- if i must eat out, i'll pay close attention to what i order. i don't have to automatically give up just because i've walked into the doors of a restaurant.
as always- recognize and celebrate progress. progress excites us and motivates us to continue.
keep on keeping on!
xoxo krista
oh- almost forgot. the whole reason i started this post was to say that when i went grocery shopping today i was not only pleased with my selections, but PROUD. my lunch was delicious! here's a picture. i didn't think to take a picture until i was almost done, so here's what was left of it. mixed greens & spinach, bell pepper, tomato, crab meat, cucumber, salt/pepper, and honey mustard dressing.
happy ending : )
thanks to the gang of kids in my apartment complex, i was able to track down baby kitty. a little boy had scooped her up and brought her home. she is now officially adopted and being fed. him and his mom let me visit with her once i explained why i was concerned. she had no visible fleas and her tail looks to be healing. she was still super skinny (it's only been 2 days), but she was obviously happy to have a home. : ) this little boy had wanted a cat for a while (his mom explained) and when he turned up home with this one, momma said yes. must have been meant to be. he looked so proud. i wonder if he even realizes that he may have saved her life? what a hero. so here she is- Mini. xoxo
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
how?
guilt is such a heavy, hurtful emotion to live with.
one could look at this tiny moment in time as such a small insignificant thing, but for some reason it's haunting me.
i know there is nothing i can do to "save" this little kitty (i lost that chance when i turned my back to her). if i see her, i'll swoop her up so fast and make up for the mistake i made.
but what do you do when you can't fix a mistake? how do you not torture yourself over and over again for it?
i notice myself peeking in every bush making "come here kitty kitty" noises the entire walk from my car to my house, to the garbage, even looking out the front door- just in case.
if i can't change the past, as much as it breaks my heart, how can i live with the present?
one could look at this tiny moment in time as such a small insignificant thing, but for some reason it's haunting me.
i know there is nothing i can do to "save" this little kitty (i lost that chance when i turned my back to her). if i see her, i'll swoop her up so fast and make up for the mistake i made.
but what do you do when you can't fix a mistake? how do you not torture yourself over and over again for it?
i notice myself peeking in every bush making "come here kitty kitty" noises the entire walk from my car to my house, to the garbage, even looking out the front door- just in case.
if i can't change the past, as much as it breaks my heart, how can i live with the present?
Monday, August 8, 2011
little white baby kitty
little white baby kitty: since you're no where to be found today, i'll have to live with only the brief moments you were in my life.
you are only a baby. no matter what fears i had, when i recognized that you needed help, nothing should have stopped me. for this i'm sorry. you're a cat, you'll never see this... i am just so full of sadness right now for letting you down.
i did what i could, know that. know that i pet you so you would know that humans are nice and so you could feel kindness and love. know that i gave you flea drops so that you could be someone's inside pet and so you would stop suffering from being covered in fleas.
i should have fed you. i realize that now. i was afraid if i showed you how much i cared that you would adopt me and my other cats would freak out. i don't know if your tail would heal or if it would cost money- and i don't have extra to spare.
i hesitated for all of those reasons, and now you are gone. i was heartbroken when i turned you down, and now, knowing that the vet clinic would take you and care for you, and i missed that chance for you, i'm even more sad.
i'm so sorry. you deserve more in life than what you have been shown so far. i wish i could have shown you what a real home is like.
please, somehow, know that i truly wish you the best. at the very least, better than what you've got right now. i wish you safety, comfort, love, a home, and a satisfied belly.
Goodbye little white baby kitty.
you are only a baby. no matter what fears i had, when i recognized that you needed help, nothing should have stopped me. for this i'm sorry. you're a cat, you'll never see this... i am just so full of sadness right now for letting you down.
i did what i could, know that. know that i pet you so you would know that humans are nice and so you could feel kindness and love. know that i gave you flea drops so that you could be someone's inside pet and so you would stop suffering from being covered in fleas.
i should have fed you. i realize that now. i was afraid if i showed you how much i cared that you would adopt me and my other cats would freak out. i don't know if your tail would heal or if it would cost money- and i don't have extra to spare.
i hesitated for all of those reasons, and now you are gone. i was heartbroken when i turned you down, and now, knowing that the vet clinic would take you and care for you, and i missed that chance for you, i'm even more sad.
i'm so sorry. you deserve more in life than what you have been shown so far. i wish i could have shown you what a real home is like.
please, somehow, know that i truly wish you the best. at the very least, better than what you've got right now. i wish you safety, comfort, love, a home, and a satisfied belly.
Goodbye little white baby kitty.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
feeling motivated again
the best part about this newly realized motivation, is that it came from re-reading my old posts about the half marathon. there was so much passion and excitement. i'm in such better shape now, and running would really do my body good.
i'm excited about mental issues too. i re-read my post about intentions and realized that i have made some SUBSTANTIAL progress. I have paid attention to my health and my body and i look and feel great. i go work out (45 minutes of cardio and then strength training) 1-4 times a week. for a while there it was only 1 or 2 times a week, and have just got back into going more regularly.
i needed this re-energizing though, because i've sort of hit a plateau. i stopped counting points and i'm eating based on my body's cravings. i love veggies and fruit, so most of the time i'm fine. i can tell when i need cheese, meat, or carbs. the only bad part about that is, i can't fight off sugar cravings very easily... if there is cake, i eat it. also, since i was on vacation, i was eating MORE than necessary, and going out to eat just immediately soars the calories.
Anyhow, the point is that i have paid attention to my body and seeing the results has been CRAZY exciting! I have lost about 25 lbs. i haven't weighed 170 in YEARS! YEARS and years! my clothes have just been falling off of me, and with the weights and strength training, i don't just look thin, i look tone, which was my main goal of getting into shape. : D
i'm reading a book about this gap that most people have when it comes to wanting to do something and actually doing it. the main points are to 1st- know what you want. to dream big and set goals. then 2nd- to continually remind yourself and stay conscious of your dreams. lastly- to recognize and celebrate progress. we get so down for wanting to do something and not doing it, but to realize that in each moment we have choices, and each little teeny tiny choice towards accomplishing our goals is success. that's good to remember.
i'm on the verge now of REALLY having good health. i've lost weight, i love to cook healthy food, i'm getting used to this routine of working out. i think i may just commit to another half marathon. having the commitment and a set schedule would help to get past this plateau. i think.... but i may just be out of my mind!!!!!!!!
we shall see. until next time.
i'm excited about mental issues too. i re-read my post about intentions and realized that i have made some SUBSTANTIAL progress. I have paid attention to my health and my body and i look and feel great. i go work out (45 minutes of cardio and then strength training) 1-4 times a week. for a while there it was only 1 or 2 times a week, and have just got back into going more regularly.
i needed this re-energizing though, because i've sort of hit a plateau. i stopped counting points and i'm eating based on my body's cravings. i love veggies and fruit, so most of the time i'm fine. i can tell when i need cheese, meat, or carbs. the only bad part about that is, i can't fight off sugar cravings very easily... if there is cake, i eat it. also, since i was on vacation, i was eating MORE than necessary, and going out to eat just immediately soars the calories.
Anyhow, the point is that i have paid attention to my body and seeing the results has been CRAZY exciting! I have lost about 25 lbs. i haven't weighed 170 in YEARS! YEARS and years! my clothes have just been falling off of me, and with the weights and strength training, i don't just look thin, i look tone, which was my main goal of getting into shape. : D
i'm reading a book about this gap that most people have when it comes to wanting to do something and actually doing it. the main points are to 1st- know what you want. to dream big and set goals. then 2nd- to continually remind yourself and stay conscious of your dreams. lastly- to recognize and celebrate progress. we get so down for wanting to do something and not doing it, but to realize that in each moment we have choices, and each little teeny tiny choice towards accomplishing our goals is success. that's good to remember.
i'm on the verge now of REALLY having good health. i've lost weight, i love to cook healthy food, i'm getting used to this routine of working out. i think i may just commit to another half marathon. having the commitment and a set schedule would help to get past this plateau. i think.... but i may just be out of my mind!!!!!!!!
we shall see. until next time.
Goal for Today
Today I will drink enough water.
Enough= 3 of my Lands' End bottles, which is 34 ounces each.
Enough= 3 of my Lands' End bottles, which is 34 ounces each.
Monday, July 11, 2011
change always gets me
Today is Day One of covering reception. In fact, I can hardly even say "covering reception," since it is now my responsibility. I guess I'm a receptionist again.
I'm not entirely sure why this situation is setting me off balance, but it is, and although I keep saying I'm fine, I feel out of whack. There's so many reasons why I'm uncomfortable right now. Of course there is the obvious, of doing something new and not knowing what to expect, but then there's also the fact that although it's a different time and different place, to some extent, it's not new and I DO know what to expect.
The first welcome I received at my new desk was someone else's dirty ass coffee cup, water cup, and water bottle. (They could have taken care of that stuff themselves before they left), and then someone asking where the flowers were for the vase. They get delivered... they aren't here yet... not much I can do about it. Want me to go outside and pick some??
As much as I like human interaction, and as good as I'd SAY I am with customer service, my first morning as receptionist, it dawned on me that maybe I don't like dealing with people as much as I'd previously thought. This position is so superficial. People just walk by, in and out, and spout out general small talk as they go about their business, not necessarily even caring who is sitting here. I wonder how lonely it gets to be over time, even with the constant traffic.
This is my blog, so i could bitch about all the reasons I'm feeling crabby, but I know that really won't help the situation.
I'm going to chalk the main reason up to change in general. Something new, something unknown, a situation where I need to be open and accepting. I already said I'd do this, so there's no real reason to fuss. I can adapt fast, but I am still taking the time to acknowledge that I'm having a hard time. I already showed Alex, in not so many words, how excited I am, so I really have to check myself. I don't want to be Miss Bad Attitude sitting up here. GET IT TOGETHER, SISTER!
Time will tell how this will all play out. Too bad I have such a hard time with patience.
Until next time. xoxo
I'm not entirely sure why this situation is setting me off balance, but it is, and although I keep saying I'm fine, I feel out of whack. There's so many reasons why I'm uncomfortable right now. Of course there is the obvious, of doing something new and not knowing what to expect, but then there's also the fact that although it's a different time and different place, to some extent, it's not new and I DO know what to expect.
The first welcome I received at my new desk was someone else's dirty ass coffee cup, water cup, and water bottle. (They could have taken care of that stuff themselves before they left), and then someone asking where the flowers were for the vase. They get delivered... they aren't here yet... not much I can do about it. Want me to go outside and pick some??
As much as I like human interaction, and as good as I'd SAY I am with customer service, my first morning as receptionist, it dawned on me that maybe I don't like dealing with people as much as I'd previously thought. This position is so superficial. People just walk by, in and out, and spout out general small talk as they go about their business, not necessarily even caring who is sitting here. I wonder how lonely it gets to be over time, even with the constant traffic.
This is my blog, so i could bitch about all the reasons I'm feeling crabby, but I know that really won't help the situation.
I'm going to chalk the main reason up to change in general. Something new, something unknown, a situation where I need to be open and accepting. I already said I'd do this, so there's no real reason to fuss. I can adapt fast, but I am still taking the time to acknowledge that I'm having a hard time. I already showed Alex, in not so many words, how excited I am, so I really have to check myself. I don't want to be Miss Bad Attitude sitting up here. GET IT TOGETHER, SISTER!
Time will tell how this will all play out. Too bad I have such a hard time with patience.
Until next time. xoxo
Thursday, July 7, 2011
funk
i'm in one.
i feel really bad saying this, but my kid is annoying the SHIT out of me. should i really feel so guilty for wanting her to leave me alone? i do... and i do.
there's stuff going on at work. it sucks. i don't even know exactly how i feel about it all, but i almost feel sick.
also... there's something i recently found out, that as much as i think i don't care, it's still bugging me. i'm not mad or sad, just in a funk. i kind of wish i never found out. now i'm thinking about the past, which is totally pointless and destructive. nothing really has changed other than my own knowledge. i know i have to let it go, i really really want to, but i'm just still processing, i guess.
i think it's really just a combination of things that i'm having a hard time shaking.
this stuff at work as been going on for about a month now, and we're all on edge and waiting for the ax to drop. there's anticipation, dread, and staleness. thankfully i have work, so i haven't been too excruciatingly bored, but it's slow and i kind of feel like we're in purgatory. never a fun place to visit, let alone every day. i guess i hadn't realized how much or why it was weighing so heavy. supposedly there's something happening tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.
i know for one thing, i'm really ready for this year to be over with. i'm so sick of waiting. i'd wait as long as i have to, it's worth it, but while he's gone, part of my heart is just paused. i'm still living my life, i'm not "waiting" to live my life for him, but i'm waiting for us to start "our" life. it's really hard to love someone so much and to be so far and miss so many things every single day. really- not a day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him. :( most of the time i can handle it, especially knowing that so much time has passed and there's only so little left, but also definitely weighs on me. him too i'm sure. i try not to think too much about how his life is over there, because although he's soldiering through it, i know it's miserable. he acts tough, but i know he wants to be home too. soon... counting down the days now.
we're going camping this weekend. i'm on edge right now, so please, for the love of god, please, let me have some patience. i LOVE camping, i want to have fun, but i know i need to chill out right now. deeeeeep breaths- starting now.
i feel really bad saying this, but my kid is annoying the SHIT out of me. should i really feel so guilty for wanting her to leave me alone? i do... and i do.
there's stuff going on at work. it sucks. i don't even know exactly how i feel about it all, but i almost feel sick.
also... there's something i recently found out, that as much as i think i don't care, it's still bugging me. i'm not mad or sad, just in a funk. i kind of wish i never found out. now i'm thinking about the past, which is totally pointless and destructive. nothing really has changed other than my own knowledge. i know i have to let it go, i really really want to, but i'm just still processing, i guess.
i think it's really just a combination of things that i'm having a hard time shaking.
this stuff at work as been going on for about a month now, and we're all on edge and waiting for the ax to drop. there's anticipation, dread, and staleness. thankfully i have work, so i haven't been too excruciatingly bored, but it's slow and i kind of feel like we're in purgatory. never a fun place to visit, let alone every day. i guess i hadn't realized how much or why it was weighing so heavy. supposedly there's something happening tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.
i know for one thing, i'm really ready for this year to be over with. i'm so sick of waiting. i'd wait as long as i have to, it's worth it, but while he's gone, part of my heart is just paused. i'm still living my life, i'm not "waiting" to live my life for him, but i'm waiting for us to start "our" life. it's really hard to love someone so much and to be so far and miss so many things every single day. really- not a day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him. :( most of the time i can handle it, especially knowing that so much time has passed and there's only so little left, but also definitely weighs on me. him too i'm sure. i try not to think too much about how his life is over there, because although he's soldiering through it, i know it's miserable. he acts tough, but i know he wants to be home too. soon... counting down the days now.
we're going camping this weekend. i'm on edge right now, so please, for the love of god, please, let me have some patience. i LOVE camping, i want to have fun, but i know i need to chill out right now. deeeeeep breaths- starting now.
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